Pat's Commentary

Thursday, May 24

"Island Fever"

Hey, Joe -- or, more courteously, Sheriff Arpaio -- Hey, this is Pat and I know you'll get this message because of all those people in your office who record the times your name is mentioned on radio and television shows.

So look, I just heard about the travel opportunities that have become available to people who help the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office in its pursuit of justice.

I mean, I know you just sent a couple of your people to Hawaii to get to the bottom of this President Obama birth certificate thing. Well, you've said you wouldn't rest until it was solved to your satisfaction -- which apparently doesn't include the Secretary of State putting it aside -- along with the U.S. Supreme Court, the Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

It's just that if you're still searching for evidence, I heard somewhere that his family may have been Aborigines and, since I've always wanted to go to Australia, I'd be happy to check it out. And, if that's not possible, Florida is nice.

How about getting the inside scoop about NASA and those phony moon landings they tried to get past us?

My bag is packed, Joe, anytime you need my help.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, May 23

"Blast Off"

Capitalism really got off the ground yesterday -- the Space X Falcon 9 rocket blasted off Tuesday morning.

As the first privately-financed commercial space vehicle intended to rendezvous with the International Space Station on Friday, this is free enterprise in space.

This rocket, carrying a 1,404-pound cargo of food and other necessities for the six astronauts on board the space station, has the capability of beginning a whole new chapter in exploration.

Why is this so different? The government's not involved. It's people whose motivation is to make a profit by making things better than you can when you've been saddled by bureaucracy.

NASA will be offering it's experience for the maneuvering, but the equipment, the engineering, the science is all as a result of business people getting together in this country and deciding not to lose this space race to Russia and it's Soyuz program.

By the way, there is one addition to the cargo that will remain in space: the ashes of "Star Trek" actor James Dookan. Yes, Scotty finally got beamed up.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, May 22

"Ebony Denied"

Has anyone ever seen a minstrel show?

I didn't think so.

Back in the 1800s, riverboats and vaudeville shows would often offer black entertainment performed by white performers in black face make-up. Later, that was a trademark of the famous theatrical performer Al Jolson. Many of the sketches and much of the comedy was based n the racial stereotypes of the day.

That's why it's not done now. It would be tasteless. But now comes a story from Colorado Springs, Colorado that represents what happens when racial sensitivity reaches a level of insulting stupidity.

A second grader was pulled out of class last week because he wanted to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. on Wax Museum Day. His parents brought him to school in a black suit, white shirt and black tie with a moustache because that's what M.L.K. looked like in the child's picture.

but the student doing the tribute was white, so he wore black make-up. The school labeled his choice as offensive.

All the 7-year-old white child wanted to do is show his respect for Martin Luther King, Jr, who, I have no doubt, spent last Wednesday shaking his head in wonder.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, May 21

"Stretch Marks"

It just never goes away, does it?

Just when Arizona was losing its place as the birther center of the world, competing only with the Octomom's delivery room, a public official does it again. Secretary of State Ken Bennett has been sending inquiries to Hawaiian officials requesting more proof of president Barack Obama's birth there.

Tea Party people -- Joe Arpaio -- now Arizona's Secretary of State, next in succession for the governorship. You can't make this stuff up.

If some birth conspiracy story was on the front page of a supermarket tabloid, it would be laughable and then dismissed by all but a few lonely souls.

But no! Some of these people are elected leaders. Ken Bennett minimizes his role in this absurd, clown college fiasco by saying, while he believes that the president is not foreign-born, he has an obligation to respond to the request of a constituent.

OK, Mr. Secretary. I'm a constituent. Answer this. When you were on your LDS mission in southern Japan, were you or were you not captured by a band of Shinto priests cryogenically frozen and replaced by a highly-sophisticated Ken Bennett robot that could be our next governor or would that be redundant?

Just asking.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, May 17

"Combat Equality"

I think one of the worst things about being the President of the United States or a high-ranking military leader would be having to send young men into combat and potentially life-threatening situation.

It must be hell knowing that you can predict, with accuracy, a specific body count. As long as there's been war, reality states a certain number of young men would not return.

And now that will be true of young women.

Female soldiers are this week being moved, for the first time, into once all-male Army units. Thousands of jobs will now be available to females who had to deal with gender restrictions that had been in place since the military began.

There is also serious consideration being given to accepting women into the elite U.S. Army Rangers. And why not? Female soldiers have struggled for promotion because the criteria has been different.

The right to fight and even die for your country shouldn't be a hormonal thing. We'll all be better served by having our country protected by a band of brother and sisters.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, May 16

"Fire Crackers"

Have you noticed how different the sky looks these days?

The filter you're seeing is smoke converging on the Valley from the Gladiator and Sunflower fires still burning to the north and east of us here in metro Phoenix.

It's only the middle of May and with just a few 100-degree days, we already are suffering wildfires. All the alerts are already going out about campfire safety, the careless discarding of cigarettes and flammables -- all the things we're reminded about every year.

A few days ago, I even heard a cautionary announcement warning us about vehicles ragging chains in the highway possibly creating a spark. Yes, just one spark can be incendiary.

So, state legislators, now that your grueling session is over and you have the time to watch things like this on television, perhaps you can at last answer the question I've been asking repetitively:

Since Arizona is a dangerously dry state, when you legalized fireworks last year, what the hell were you thinking?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, May 15

"Monterrey Massacre"

Let's not waste time, OK?

Everybody who writes in defense of Mexico -- visiting there, safety, belief that the violence is limited and a media exaggeration -- you might as well leave now. I continue to hear you minimize the treachery and horror that the Mexican people are experiencing -- the population of Mexico and not just the people who are in the drug business.

Yes, there are safe, peaceful areas of Afghanistan and Somalia but you know what? Neither of those two areas had 49 headless, footless, handless bodies dumped on one of their highways. That's what happened just last week in Monterrey, one of Mexico's most affluent cities.

There were more of the same kinds of atrocities at the same time in other states -- mostly in the north -- that were just south of us.

Are you truly convinced that, because you haven't had troubles when you visited Rocky Point, that neutralizes the 50,000 Mexican murders since 2006?

Mexico votes for new leadership July 1. I hope Washington notices that there is another election taking place before November.

It may be a matter of life and death.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, May 11

"Estrophobia"

This is not the Bad News Bears we're talking about.

I wish it was something out of a fun movie with a happy ending but no. Real Life -- May 2012: A Phoenix school scheduled to play in a state baseball championship is forfeiting that game because their opponent has a second baseman who is -- hold -- hold -- who is a girl.

Mesa Prep earned the right to play for the Arizona Charter Athletic Association title against Our Lady of Sorrows Catholic School, but when the administration of the parochial school heard 15-year-old Paige Sutzbach was going to be one of their infielders, they pulled out of the competition.

Now for those of you who have had a Catholic education, as I did, may find this decision unlike the church you may be familiar with. Well, Our Lady of Sorrows is run by the ultraconservative society of Saint Pius X, but what possible excuse could they have for not playing baseball against a girl?

The society has been accused of antisemitism in the past. Her name is Sutzbach. Who knows?

But at least I can understand, heading into Mother's Day, why she's called Our Lady of Sorrows.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, May 10

"Grooms"

I have no doubt that President Barack Obama is not a Muslim who was born in Kenya and is secretly an avowed Marxist who, as a real life Manchurian Candidate, is committed to the overthrow of the United States of America.

There! Now that I've deleted this morning's emails I can tell you something I do believe about the president: evidently, he has never met a gay person in his life.

I have come to that conclusion after going back over his past comments concerning his position on gay marriage. I mean, that's really not something that most people are ambivalent about. But in the last 3.5 years, he has been unalterably opposed to gay marriage, but supportive of what he called "a strong civil union."

I think that's marriage light, a virgin Mai Tai, a plain cheese pizza.

He has been at the forefront of what's called the Domestic Partners and Obligations Act -- everything but the "M" word. Until yesterday when he became the first U.S. president to support same-sex marriage.

Finally, he can get great seats for "La Cage Aux Folles."

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, May 9

"That's The Spirit"

Hey Spirit Airlines! Would you just give me an outside chance to like you?

I mean, when you got here just last December, a number of us greeted you warmly and expressed delight that Mesa Gateway Airport had added your service and destinations to the established Allegiant Airlines. I'm crazy about Mesa Gateway as an alternative to the massive Sky Harbor and we've flown Allegiant comfortably and punctually a number of times.

My wife and I have often talked about flying Spirit to several locations, but supporting you as a new Valley business is getting more difficult with each news story we hear. Your announcement about charging $100 per carry on bag, under any circumstances, gave me whiplash.

It reminds me of Bill Bidwill bringing the Cardinals here from St. Louis and greeting football fans in the Valley to an instant increase ticket prices. Mr. Bidwill has changed. Considering the fact that you have also had bad press from the way you handled a refund to a dying veteran, maybe you should consider making some changes too.

Like in your public relations department.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, May 8

"Prayer"

Dear God:

This is Pat and I'm sure you know I've never said a prayer to you about a sports team. I mean, the other side would be praying for their team and you would be under a great deal of stress.

No, this is about the Phoenix Coyotes, but I'm certainly not asking for you to help them win the Stanley Cup -- unless, of course, you'd really like to.

I just want to call your attention to what they've been through the last few years. They might prefer a plague of locusts compared with not knowing where you'll be playing from one season to the next. They haven't even known what country. Yet, look what they've done. That's the kind of character you admire isn't, God?

I hope that's what you're sending us in the possible new owner, this Greg Jamison who used to be with the San Jose Sharks. If all goes well, we can get the team back from the NHL and plan for the future.

Oh, if I may, one more thing, God. If the Goldwater Institute gets involved, would you ask Barry Goldwater what he would do?

It may have something to do with lightning.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, May 7

"Fakes"

Did you see the story about the fearsome long-range intercontinental ballistic missiles featured in a spectacular North Korean military parade recently?

They got the attention of much of the world because of their embarrassing rocket failure and their nuclear technology. That's why these missiles got so much photographic and video scrutiny from experts in the field.

And after much analysis, the weapons experts around the world collectively came to this conclusion: the missiles that the North Korean government and the military were broadly showing off are fakes!

They're a mish-mosh of components culled together from incompatible weapons systems that could never be used together. One would suspect that the Korean words stenciled on them would probably be translated to "Mattel."

If you think no country would ever try such fakery, a long time ago I wrangled a trip into East Berlin. The main boulevard that would be shown to visitors was lined with tall, prosperous-looking buildings. When we drove behind them, the stunning reality was they were hollow shells -- sides and a front -- all for show.

See? All the phonies aren't in Washington after all.

Friday, May 4

"Heil"

What did J.T. Ready have in common with Adolf Hitler? They both committed suicide.

No matter what Ready thought, that's about it.

The consummate symbol of evil, Hitler conquered much of central Europe and through his merciless power and absence of conscience, he was personally responsible for millions of deaths in the camps and on the battlefields. He was history's most famous sociopath.

Ready apparently, sadly was responsible in Gilbert, Arizona for dour deaths, including an infant, before taking his own life. And those killings will be all that he'll be remembered for.

He attempted to run for public office several times in laughably shabby campaigns. He was a loser as a Marine and even less impressive as a civilian. He was asked to leave the Republican Party, so he sought power by donning the uniform of a wannabe patriot.

A self-proclaimed protector of all of us from all of them -- the invaders -- the Mexicans and the Jews and all the rest of the people who terrified him and all the rest of the grown-up little boys pathetically playing soldier.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, May 3

"Labor pains"

I don't understand cruelty. Are the domestic abusers that are so prevalent to be clinically labeled as sadists? What could possibly provoke a human being of any age to physically harm an animal?

As I admitted, I don't understand cruelty. Perhaps I hope I never do.

But that which is hardest for me to conceive is the ultimate cruelty - the kind that happens after conceiving - the kind that has tripled in the last decade - expectant mothers turning their unborns into addicts.

The domestic increase in the incidence of U.S. babies being born junkies is as a result of what is to me unthinkable - pregnant women continuing to use vicodin, oxycontin, and heroin. Ever see a meth baby? Don't look.

We all have been raised with the belief that there is a natural nurturing protective trigger that allows expectant mothers to stop destructive behavior. Tell that to a pediatrician giving an anti-withdrawal medication to an infant two days old. It's simply inconceivable.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, May 2

"Homecoming"

As you no doubt know by now, President Obama spoke yesterday to U.S. Troops in Afghanistan after making a secret overnight flight there to sign an agreement with Afghan President Karzai.

He told them that our combat role there is winding down. I really hope so for the families of the 109,000 personnel stationed there. And my heart aches for the families of those who will never come home.

The President's words did make me wonder though what really would happen to America and the rest of the world if they all came home - not just from an active combat zone like Afghanistan but from everywhere we have a military presence.

After all we have 205,000 deployed in more than 150 countries. I said 150 countries currently have American soldiers there. That includes 10,000 in Kuwait and 2,000 in Bahrain. Do we really still need 40,000 Americans stationed in Japan? Didn't they surrender? Would South Korea be less safe without our 28,000 men and women in uniform?

Mussolini died in the 40's but we still have nearly 11,000 troops in Italy and there are 56,000 in Germany and we like them now.

What if they all came home? But I guess that's just foolish thinking, isn't it?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, April 30

"Brown/Black"

Yesterday morning on my radio program "The God Show," my guest was community leader and pastor Dr. Warren Stewart who had spent the week in Washington involved in the Supreme Court analysis of Arizona's immigration law, SB 1070.

When I asked him about a black man taking such an active role in what has been primarily a Latino issue, he offered a very interesting perspective.

He said that, to him, African-Americans were what he called "involuntary immigrants." Thought provoking, huh?

Illegal immigrants are the ones who came with no papers. Involuntary immigrants are the ones who came with no choice. Would it now then also be reasonable to apply that involuntary status to the young children of those that entered this country illegally?

No, there were no shackles and they were not imprisoned in the hull of a ship. But most endured hardships and will again if they are deported.

There are many variations of the DREAM Act that could easily be enacted to avoid punishing those who are guilty of nothing more than being obedient children and involuntary immigrants.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, April 27

"Veep"

While most of American is trying to second guess their team's NFL draft picks this weekend, a few political works are beginning to look at the vice presidential field for a Romney running mate.

Yes, we can say Mitt Romney will be the Republican candidate since Newt has finally decided to fold it up -- as did Rick Santorum -- and Ron Paul is no doubt back in the rest home.

So who is the best teammate for Mitt? Some keep bringing up Gov. Mitch Daniels and I don't know why. Isn't Indiana just Utah with a racetrack? Mark Rubio, meanwhile, offers Florida and Cuba, which might attract some of the Hispanic voters.

But Rubio has already said no to the idea. So has New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, but I think he could be persuaded if for no other reason than to get out of New Jersey. And if you're looking for an unpredictable, bombastic personality to counter Mitt Romney's ragtime bland, Christie's your man.

Then, Biden and Hillary switch jobs: Obama-Clinton versus Romney-Christie.

Hey! Things might get exciting.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, April 26

"Blues"

I'm sure if you've had any contact with the Muppets in your life, you've heard Kermit singing "It ain't easy being green".

It's really a great song about about any color or any difference for that matter. It could easily have been titled, "It ain't easy being a teen".

Do people still remind their high school age kids that they are currently living the best years they'll ever have?

How depressing that must be for every kid who wonders "If these are the best years of my life - the future is really going to suck."

Pressure to get better grades, pressure to get better looking, and pressure to get better friends. No developing tests to identify and diagnose early onset major depression. That's a clinical condition that can make all the rest of adolescent life even darker.

So mom and dad - maybe you might ease up a bit on your teenager.

It ain't like every day is the prop or the big game. It just ain't easy.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, April 25

"Cool"

No matter how cold their house is, the Phoenix Coyotes are the hottest sports ticket in town -- and they should be.

They didn't play that well Monday night in Chicago, but they won their first playoff series ever. Oh, Mike Smith, the goalie, was insane, stopping everything heading his way, including 39 shots on goal and a runaway Zamboni.

And you know who just woke up? The city of Phoenix.

The Suns have struggled all year in their labor-dispute-abbreviated season. Diamondbacks fans are just figuring out some of the names on the field and Cardinals talk is all about tomorrow's draft.

No -- this is Coyote time!

The new fans are beginning to discover where Glendale is. The forever fans have always been there through cheers and tears. And one gets the feeling that with what's been going on the last few days, those rumored new owners may be closer to closing a deal.

Next, the Nashville Predators, with a regular season record versus the Coyotes: two games apiece. Does it get any better than that?

How about we send the Nashville guys back to Music City, singing the blues? OK?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, April 24

"1070 Or Punt"

Cesar Chavez isn't just a Valley high school.

That piece of information is directed at those of you with a very short memory or who love fresh vegetables and fruit and never gave a thought as to where they come from.

He was a Mexican-American who, through the United Farm Workers Union, devoted his life to non-violently improving conditions for the migrants working in the fields. Did you notice? I said he was a Mexican-American born in Yuma, Arizona -- and he was passionately opposed to illegal immigration.

It certainly was not in his best interest to have hordes of border-crossers taking the jobs of the union workers he represented. But it was the humanity that was at the top of his priority list.

As the United States Supreme Court this week begins to debate the merits of Arizona's SB1070 law, how splendid it would be if the result eventually meant that America -- that shining beacon on the hill -- would create a meaningful and lasting immigration policy that would contain equal measures of humanity and justice.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, April 23

"Ready Aim"

I spent an hour once in a radio studio talking with Ted Nugent, and I came out of the experience with a couple of memories.

I remember being convinced that my opinion of him as a very good head-banging rock guitarist was accurate -- far from being Eric Clapton or Jimmy Hendrix, but very good. And that was was an even better business man whose primary specialty was self-promotion.

Without the NRA badges and his self-described home armory of diverse weapons that he must keep at the ready lest they invade his security -- without the very salable image, Mr. Nugent might have been only an opening act on one of those tired oldies-but-goodies tours featuring artists whose careers have not expanded as much as their waistlines.

As a matter of fact, he was scheduled to appear at a concert featuring Styx and REO Speedwagon at Fort Knox, but was booted after he made a stupid anti-Obama remark.

Come on, Washington. Let the guy play. You're making Ted Nugent appear to be as important as Joe the Plumber.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, April 19

"The Beat"

Even now, years after the last "American Bandstand" broadcast, I have such vivid memories of that show.

It was really the first time that pop music and rock n' roll were taken seriously by a television network as a major revenue producer. Yes, we all remember "Bandstand" as the show that had all the stars and the new artists too, performing for a crowd of just teenagers -- teenagers of every color, dressed neatly and showing everybody in America how to do the Stroll, the Hully Gully, the Watsui and the Twist.

But "American Bandstand" didn't begin for everybody in America and it didn't begin with Dick Clark.

It was just a local, inexpensive daily show on WFIL in Philadelphia that started way back in 1952 with a host named Bob Horn. The story goes that Mr. Horn developed an inappropriate interest in one of the high school girls and, after hosting for four years, was fired. Someone at the station had heard a smooth DJ in Syracuse named Dick Clark and the rest is music history.

Funny, but ever since yesterday, I keep imagining I hear harp music, only with a little better beat.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, April 17

"Fahrenheit"

Know what today is, besides Tuesday, April 17?

It may the first day of 2012 that some communicatively-limited dipstick says to you, "Hot enough for you?" In a perfect world, everyone who has ever said that to me would have to pay me a fine.

So let's get this straight and current, OK? The forecast high today is supposed to be in the low 90s, tomorrow around the mid-90s and, next month, something close to the surface of the sun.

All right! It's going to be hot. You know why? Because it's summertime and this is Phoenix. What can you do about it?

Here's an idea. Shut up or more to Anchorage. People in the Middle West are trying to find out where a tornado dumped the town gas station so they can fill up their care and get the Hell out of there -- many no doubt headed to Phoenix.

Our lives aren't that difficult here, people. We leave our air-conditioned homes in an air-conditioned car and go to an air-conditioned office. Pay no attention to the TV weather personalities predicting Armageddon every August.

Except for Caribe Devine. I believe everything she tells me.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, April 16

"Naked Truth"

Penis. Vagina. Breasts.

Got your attention, didn't I? And you know why? Because those are the parts we don't talk about.

Why? We all have them in varying combinations and sizes. But in America, we are what I call nude-a-phobic. We're afraid of anything that's naked because it must be evil and pervertedly sexual.

That's why Tempe contractor Bill Tonneson is under fire for displaying a sculpture he created at one of his job sites at Rural and Broadway. That's Rural and Broadway, if you're taking notes.

It's an immense sumo-like figures that is clearly a Jenny Craig failure. It's art that i don't find attractive, but I don't consider some of the very large women depicted in some Dutch and Italian masterpieces my type. When I take my clothes off, I'm not my type.

But no matter. Art is in the eye of the beholder. And some of the beholders in Tempe are up in arms because the sculpture is across from a church and a school. A member of the church -- the artist's wife -- made him cover it with a blanket.

What's wrong with us? Perhaps if we covered it from head to toe in a black garment, the artist could call it a tribute to the Taliban.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, April 13

"Cyber Lies"

My wife writes a blog called Duffy On Your Mind and I'm glad, because that's how I found out I had been lied to and possibly you too.

I had recently seen an Internet entry that showed crosses that had been place on a Santa Barbara beach to honor those who will not return from Iraq and Afghanistan. Veterans place them there.

But the story was all about the ACLU filing a lawsuit to have them removed. It went on to say that the ACLU is attempting to end prayer in the military altogether, including a ban on Navy chaplains even using the name of Jesus.

All of this outrage was attributed to the ACLU and the Obama administration and the most outrageous thing of all: it's all a lie.

Proving conclusively that any person lacking character can say anything on the Internet and it's our responsibility to find out if it's true before we share. You can find out yourself from Snopes, Fact Check or Politifact.

Unless, of course, that would make you feel as if you were on the side of the ACLU.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, April 12

"Bail Out"

We've all heard from our families and our coaches things like "winners never quit," "when the going gets tough, the tough get going," and all the rest of those rarely-inspirational cliches.

There's value in the continuing pursuit of victory, unless you're running for President of the United States. You're so far behind you'll never catch up and you're out of money.

What keeps these guys from graciously bowing out? Can it be ego that keeps them on this incredibly grueling campaign schedule?

And it's not just the current candidates. For as long as I can remember, somebody stays too long at the dance and everybody in the band is praying they'll go home.

Rick Santorum officially bowed out and you know what's coming next, don't you? Santorum will stop calling a scum-sucking pig and throw all his support his way.

Meanwhile, will somebody tell Newt to turn off the lights when he leaves?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, April 10

"Anger Management"

You probably know by now that Arizona State Rep. Daniel Patterson is facing expulsion from the legislature due to alleged threats toward fellow lawmakers, an uncontrollable temper and reports of domestic abuse involving his girlfriends.

Yesterday, Patterson was quoted as saying the accusations are unsubstantiated and that he has the right to face his accusers. After hearing some of the stories about his behavior, I have no doubt his accusers would prefer facing Hannibal Lecter while holding a plate full of Fava beans and a little Chianti.

Man, if the stories from the state capitol are true, this guy is scary. And the stories are mostly from fellow Democrats. Perhaps that's why he recently switched his political allegiance to independent.

The House ethics committee reports that he has been excessively rude, disrespectful, unprofessional and, at times, physically confrontational toward folks at the capitol, some of whom began to carry a weapon.

Come on, Daniel. Forget this political stuff. The mixed martial arts people would love to have you.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, April 9

"Good Sports"

Considering the fact that TV drama series and big-name feature movies are focusing on rewrites of famous fairy tales, allow me to devote this space to a Cinderella story.

This time however, instead of magic slippers, my Cinderella is wearing skates -- ice skates. And not the kind you use for those fancy figures either.

No, my story features a bunch of guys in hockey skates and Coyote uniforms. My guys just clinched the NHL Pacific Division title for the first time ever.

But this isn't even a sports story. This is a story you tell your kids when you want to use an example of how real winners never quit. These Cinderella Coyotes have had to deal with the evil stepmother of horrible business decisions, scandal, inept leadership and homelessness. Some of those problems were resolved with a new front office and the hiring of coach Dave Tippett.

Even though they have no idea where they'll be playing next season, they do know they open the playoffs against the Chicago Blackhawks here at home and, maybe now that they're invited to the ball, there's a handsome prince that will save them.

I'M Pat McMahon.

Friday, April 6

"In The Beginning"

How appropriate that the Diamondbacks start their regular season today -- the beginning of a holiday weekend that is all about new beginnings, starting fresh.

Baseball fans know that when the team started the season a year ago there was little hope, but the D-Backs were the surprise of baseball and manager Kirk Gibson was given a lot of the credit. Nobody expected either.

But that's why baseball is so different. They play 162 games and, by the time October comes around, there will only be a few who will know they're going to play more.

Baseball is criticized for being too slow. Yes, the pace is far more like golf than football and the one-on-one strategy can be chess-like. Unlike basketball and hockey, you can take your eyes off the action. You can feel free to get up and get a cold one, then to back to your seat to enjoy it. There's no halftime rush. Baseball is the only major sport I can think of that is made for conversation.

If you're lucky, every so often that will be with one of your kids. Maybe today, when baseball begins in Arizona.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, April 5

"King or Queen"

Have you ever noticed that, since Donald Trump took ownership of the Miss Universe beauty pageant, there's been more pre-pageant publicity and promotion than ever before?

Usually it's been some October surprise in whatever month the event is held. More often than not, it has had something to do with revealing photos or video of one of the contestants discovered shortly before or just after the pageant.

But this time, it's a matter of whether Jenna Talackova of Vancouver can represent Canada in the Miss Universe competition.

See, they don't know, if she wins, whether she should wear a tiara or a fedora since Ms. Talackova was born a man.

She says she has known since the age of four that she is a woman in spite of her genitalia. She had the surgery a few years ago and her passport, birth certificate and driver's license state that she is a woman.

Naturally, since there is enormous press coverage involved, her attorney had to be Gloria Allred.

But her official designation as a woman, a man or an apprentice will be determined by the only person who can make those kind of life-altering decisions: Donald Trump.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, April 4

"Blues Grass"

I've always associated the state of Kentucky with some of the most regal animals in the world -- the magnificent horses of thoroughbred racing, but it was only part of a horse I saw Monday night, or, far more accurately, the vermin rioting in the streets of Lexington after the University of Kentucky won the NCAA college basketball championship.

Will someone please explain to me what a glorious basketball victory by an outstanding group of athletes has to do with setting cars and mattresses and buildings on fire?

Even in a crowd of 15,000 celebrating fans, why should someone be shot? Someone was.

And this was the second riot and the lesser of the two. In the semifinals, Kentucky beat crosstown rival Louisville and there was even more mayhem and chaos.

Yes, it's happened in other cities -- including Tucson -- but that doesn't mean we should expect or tolerate it. Real basketball fans may notice an elderly man weeping in the shadows of the University of Kentucky arena.

No doubt that's Adolph Rupp.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, April 3

"Odds"

Sunday there were still people actually disappointed that they didn't win the $640-million lottery.

To be disappointed, you had to feel you had a reasonable chance of holding the correct numbers. The odds, as calculated, were 176 million to one. With odds like that, isn't it reasonable for most of us to do as I did -- look at all my losing numbers and then get a second cup of coffee.

The people who felt optimistic about beating those odds -- 176 million to one -- are probably also feeling that they can challenge the strong probability that they will have an illness or have a procedure that they cannot pay for.

Perhaps, if they carry some form of medical insurance that will take care of most of it. Or they can declare bankruptcy. Or they can die.

With the new universal health plan, ObamaCare, what will be different? Beats the Hell out of me. See, it was never explained very well to me.

So right now, I don't know what my odds are.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, March 30

"Trayvon & Truth"

Ok, here's what I know about the Trayvon shooting. Not a damn thing. And neither do you.

We all have feelings - unfounded conclusions based on emotion instead of evidence. Like the kind of stuff I'm reading daily on the internet. Things like "Good riddance," or "Just another punk in a hoodie that we don't have to be worried about anymore."

Obviously, these civil rights scholars are writing on the computer while they're waiting for their sheets to come back from the cleaners. On the other side are the other people who are literally clueless, led by the pathetic vaudeville team of Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

Do they ever show up when a Swiss kid gets beat up in the ‘hood'? All I know - that they know - is an armed adult shot and killed an unarmed teenager. That's wrong.

If the kid was attacking with his fists and has time to draw a weapon there are a number of choices. The worst choice is a fatal shot. That's all I know.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, March 29

"Love Lost"

In popular music, when love flies out the window there are usually tears from somebody. With the departure of ASU Athletic Director Lisa Love, it seems most sports fans are cheering.

In her seven year tenure, successes have been few and far between. Yes, some of the secondary sports have had some excellent performances. Even something as popular as softball could be held up as a major winner. But water polo and balance beam don't pay the rent.

The huge money a major university sports program needs comes primarily from football and secondarily from a combination of basketball and boosters. The first two need to be successful by winning and the third from salesmanship.

It's been too long since any of those things have been done consistently in Sun Devil territory. Winning in any program is often directly related to the budget of the athletic department. That can grow proportionately with a close relationship between the athletic director, the coaches and the community.

Sadly, for years that's been almost non-existent. So there's been no love from the fans. Now there's no love in charge.

Maybe this is the beginning of a new ASU.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, March 28

"A Fatality"

There was a death yesterday at the Arizona state capitol and not one gunshot was heard. And, while there is some mourning in the state Senate chambers, I personally am delighted.

The bill allowing firearms on university and college campuses is dead. The obituary was acknowledged by the bill's creator, Republican Sen. Ron Gould from Lake Havasu City who, through his grief, said that there was not enough legislative support at this time, which he attributed to his fellow lawmakers no wanting to vote on the measure in an election year, especially amid mounting opposition from the universities themselves.

Gould fails to recognize that the most vocal opposition to having guns on campus was from the institutions' police, security detail and the school presidents.

But don't think it's over. Gould and the Arizona Packers will be back to protect our students, perhaps this time to allow flamethrowers, mortars and grenades.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, March 27

"Ticker Talk"

Here's what you're not going to hear me say this morning.

You're not going to hear me play doctor, even on the radio, and make pronouncements about Dick Cheney's physical condition before or after last Saturday's heart transplant. The man has had a history of heart attacks and fortunately for him, he survived.

Don't wait for "heartless" Cheney jokes either. They're tasteless.

But the question that continues to occur to me is, should there be some recipient age preference when it comes to this kind of organ surgery?

Understand, I don't regret the gentleman a new heart. I'm simply expressing curiosity as to who else needed one as much as this 71-year-old cardiac risk? There's the long anti-rejection therapy that's a part of the procedure -- and the healing of a major invasive operation.

I'm glad that Dick Cheney has a new heart. I would not be happy if it might have gone to someone with a longer life ahead.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, March 26

"Lunch Dates"

In just a few hours, I'm going to have lunch with 48 extraordinary women. And my wife not only said it was OK, she'll be there, too.

It's an event at the Phoenician honoring Arizona's 48 most-intriguing women. Why 48? Because this is a centennial celebration and Arizona was the 48th state to become a part of the union.

And what an incredible lineup it is. Lonnie Ali, far more than Mohammad's wife, she is the his voice, the keeper of his flame and an advocate for Parkinson's Disease. Barbara Barrett, former ambassador to Finland, President of Thunderbird School and a student at the Russian center for cosmonaut training.

Want more? How about Governors Mofford, Hull and Napolitano? Among the 48 will be Sandra Day O'Connor, Cindy McCain and Diana Taurasi. Oh yes! Gabby Giffords will be honored too.

As the master of ceremonies for the vent, I get to introduce each one of these remarkable people and so many more and the only reason I'm telling you is so that you too can celebrate being an Arizonan.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, March 23

"Contests"

Stand by for excitement. Mark your calendars. The NCAA Division One Championship basketball game will be played Monday, April 2nd. The Major League Baseball season opens two days later on April 4th. The NFL starts its' regular season this year on Wednesday September 5th and for those of you still sitting on the edge of your seats, as of today, there will still be 157 days till the beginning of the Republican Convention.

It doesn't really matter when the Democratic Convention begins because there certainly aren't any surprises expected - unless, of course, Joe Biden speaks.

At this moment here's the delegate score:

Mitt Romney: 562

Rick Santorum: 349

Newt Gingrich: 137

Ron Paul: 71

The total needed to win the nomination: 1,144

Romney still has a long way to go till he gets to that number but logic suggests a virtual impossibility for anyone to catch him. So why are the other guys still hanging around sniping? Doesn't that just help Obama? Tomorrow 46 delegates will be someone's in the Louisiana primary. But since it is in Louisiana, the NFL Commissioner may suspend all of them.

I'm Pat McMahon

Thursday, March 22

"Bounty Hunter"

Boy! NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell must have gotten a bad bowl of gumbo in the French Quarter because he is not happy with New Orleans. Not all of the residents of the Crescent City, you understand, just the ones employed by the Saints.

Man, have you heard about the penalties being handed down for those involved with a team policy of paying a bounty to Saints players who targeted and hurt opponents? The team was fined half a million dollars and two second round draft picks.

Most fans might have expected that. But wait! There's more! Saintly head coach Sean Payton was suspended for a year without pay and defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was suspended indefinitely. The front office even suspended the team's General Manager for half the season.

I say great! And if it had been the Cards I would still have approved, because of the integrity of the game. You can be frighteningly aggressive within the rules but you can't turn even a violent sport like professional football into rage in the cage.

So now who's going to coach New Orleans --- Aaron Neville.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, March 21

Right now, today, autism research is going on all over the world.

Tomorrow, KTAR will be helping fund the research here in Phoenix. But do we have any kind of realistic answer to the question that a dramatically growing number of parents are asking -- "Why does my child seem to be broken?"

Imagine being a parent asking a medical specialist how to identify the symptoms associated with autism. The answers could range from absence of speech to limited speech to neither of those; possible withdrawal from all human contact or not; extreme sensitivity to sensory stimulation, sound, light, touch -- but not always.

I can't begin to understand what the frustration must be like, especially when it's so difficult to generalize how your child will be affected or why. Is it genetic, environmental or something else?

Amazing progress has been made solving so many medical mysteries. I hope tomorrow it will be autism's turn.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, March 20

"Blessings"

In the 60s, there was an irrational segment of American citizens who were opposed to the candidacy of Jack Kennedy because they passionately believed that he would be controlled in his presidency direct from the Vatican -- that the Pope would be his secret adviser, no doubt covertly sending cryptic orders in Latin.

If you doubt me, look around.

Much of the same kind of nonsense is being said about Mitt Romney and a suspected Salt Lake City conspiracy. It's not going to happen.

But some religion's fervor in this campaign is getting a little too close for my comfort. In some circles, the ballot box and the collection box appear all too similar. For example, why do we keep talking about the Evangelicals as if it was a group like the Borg in Star Trek that operated with one collective mind?

Most do want to know what Jesus would do. I think Jesus would say, "Pay no attention to candidates who use me to get elected.'"

I think it's comfortable to have a person of faith and morals and integrity in the White House, but do you know what you call a person who uses his religion to run a country? Apartheid!

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, March 19

"Rick Ruckus"

Oh, how I long for those grand old moderate political days when Pat Robertson was running for President of the United States.

At least, according to Pat, he was getting his instructions direct from God. I don't know who Rick Santorum is listening to.

I mean, with Robertson, you knew who was watching his 700 Club TV program. But when are these people keeping Santorum in the race?

He has, throughout most of his campaign, shown about the same understanding and sensitivity to women as the rest of the Roman Catholic Church. The lastest protective cloak he says he will wrap us with -- if elected -- will be to ban what he calls the "pandemic of pornography."

Yeah, that's what we really need in this country: another prohibition. I believe the final word on this subject is with consenting adults -- graphic sex is still a form of free speech. If Santorum objects to sex movies shown in hotel rooms, how about simulated sucks in critically-praised theatrical films, or nudes in art galleries?

To me, the whole thing should be a movie -- "Rick Does America" -- all dialogue to be in English only.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, March 16

"Emeralds"

A little while ago we took you on a mini-tour of Ireland and when you saw those scenes didn't you honestly think it was one of the most beautiful places on Earth? And as lovely as those pictures were, they paled in comparison to the experience of being there and seeing a green countryside like nothing outside of the Land of Oz.

Should you think that my romantic reflections are based on the heritage of the McMahon family of CO. Clare, or that my bias may have something to do with St. Patrick's Day tomorrow, there may be something to that.

But as a very proud Irishman, I still can't concentrate on the serenity of the meadows.

For 800 years the whispers were followed by screams of pain and anger. The troubles between the North and the South - between Protestant and Catholic - between Britain and the Republic were as violent as any civil war.

Finally that seems to be nearing an end. But the cries of abused children can still be heard. The Archbishop of Dublin may at last be taking control there.

Perhaps soon, thru the tears, we will be able to say Erin go Bragh - Ireland forever.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, March 15

"Casualties"

Everybody knows that when those servicing a branch of the military are called into active duty in a war zone like Iraq or Afghanistan there is always the possibility of death. It's just one of the realities of war.

But now comes the hard part. It was recently determined that the finger on the trigger of a gun that kills an American soldier may not belong to the enemy, but to the American soldier. Stunningly, the number of suicides in the U.S. Army has risen by 80 percent since the war in Iraq. 80 percent. Prior to that time suicides in the military were actually less than the civilian number.

But then came Iraq in tandem with Afghanistan and the numbers of suicides sky-rocketed. Why? These were not draftees taken from their homes by the law of conscription.

These casualties were volunteers - professional warriors, yet their fatal wounds were self-inflicted. Is it because of the as yet unanswered question so many have? What the hell is it all for?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, March 14

"Dixie Drivel"

I can't stand generalities. Oh! I think I just made one.

No, it really bothers me when I hear that all congressmen are crooks or all Jews blindly support Israel or that all all French people are arrogant. I just think it's stupid to think that all of anybody behaves in some prescribed way.

It's especially bothersome when the generality that's being made is about the intellect of a given group. The residents of American's Deep South have, for as long as anyone can remember, been stuck with a stereotype that is harmful and hurtful -- the ignorant, backwoods hick.

Today, as the political world focuses on states like Alabama and Mississippi, what are they doing to dispel that hillbilly image? Half of them are continuing to insist that President Barack Obama is a Muslim. A survey by a respected public polling organization found that in those states and South Carolina even a number of Democrats hold to that belief.

After all this time, how can this story continue? Is it his exotic name? His father's heritage? Or was "Deliverance" actually a documentary?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, March 13

"So go Joe"

I just flew back from Los Angeles and no my arms aren't tired.

I went over on a whirlwind weekend trip for one of the best reasons a father could have.

My daughter's opening night on stage at the Kirk Douglas Theater.

She's in a play called "American Night" about a young Latino man frantically cramming to take his final U.S. citizenship test the next day.

He falls asleep and in his dreams there are appearances by a number of historical characters all with opinions about this country and it's policies and immigration.

Among them are Teddy Roosevelt, Lewis & Clark, Jackie Robinson and even Bob Dylan.

There's music and dancing and laughs from beginning to the end, but the biggest laugh from the sold-out audience came with the entrance of one more comic character -- our very own sheriff Joe Arpaio.

He's played as an overweight buffoon arresting everyone on sight concentrating primarily on the minorities.

It was broadly, satirically funny and the Los Angeles theater goers ate it up.

When I stopped laughing, it occurred to me it was also kind of sad.

Joe, you're in your 80s, why not retire now -- not because of a play but because it seems more and more people are seeing you less in the uniform of a law enforcement officer and more in the costume of a clown.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, March 9

"Deeper"

I love mysteries.

I like mystery fiction.

I love real life mysteries—the unexplained around us.

I'm curious about the latest video of a particular illuminated boomerang object in the sky, and there are things about the Phoenix Lights that remain intriguing, and if we truly discover that all of those phenomena can be rationally explained -- fine!

Ah, but when we go in the other direction.

When we look down—way down—then, you've really got my attention.

Titanic director James "King of the World" Cameron is about to dive to the deepest place on Earth, and I'm as excited as a child about to go on a space mission.

Do you realize we actually know more about outer space than our inner oceans?

Cameron plans to dive nearly seven miles into the Mariana Trench on the Pacific, and no one has any idea what's down there.

One of my favorite broadcast guests was Robert Ballard, who found the Titanic and later the WWII Bismark and even JFK's P.T. 109. But we knew they existed somewhere and someone had to look for them. Cameron is about to go where no one knows what exists.

I only wish I could go with him.

James, take pictures.

I'm Pat McMahon

Tuesday, March 6

"Sell Phones"

I'm the kind of guy who likes commercials.

I don't mean just during the Super Bowl either. That's when the entire nation embraces and judges the world on advertising. That's my world.

My entire on-air career is dependent on the success advertisers have with my broadcast organizations. All the entertainment and information comes to you free, as long as those clusters of messages are there.

And I always have the freedom, as a listener or viewer, to go somewhere else if I don't want to hear or see a sales pitch. I don't have to even notice print or outdoor advertising.

It doesn't sneak up on me. I know advertising will be part of media. But the other day I noticed I had a couple of missed calls and I didn't recognize them. When I called them, I was surprised to find out they were commercials I hadn't given anyone permission to call my cell phone to sell me something and I immediately took advantage of the "Don't Call" option.

And I always will on my "private" mobile telephone.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, March 5

"Posse Plots"

Breaking news: Sheriff Joe Arpaio's now nearly-famous volunteer investigation arm -- "The Cold Case Barney Fife and Drum Tea Part Posse" -- is now going beyond their world-net daily blockbuster story exposing what they say is a fraudulent Barack Obama birth certificate -- a forgery.

The six-month investigation was apparently instigated by a number of residents of the community of Surprise, which their findings must have been to the U.S. Supreme Court, Congress and constitutional lawyers across America.

But they have further discovered that the man currently occupying the White House isn't Barack Obama at all, but actually actor Tyler Perry, best known as the motion picture character Medea.

It's suspected he took on the identity of Obama to further control his movie empire.

Over the weekend, this courageous law enforcement lite organization also attempted to put the Rush Limbaugh controversy into perspective. They admitted Limbaugh did call Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke a "slut" and a prostitute for using contraceptives but they reminded us he did show restraint.

He could have called her a liberal.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, March 2

"Tanked"

At this time please allow me to recreate a small part of yesterday, Thursday, in my life.

$65 dollars & 73 cents!

Not just $65 but $65.73.

Will somebody check this pump please?

This has to be a huge mistake!

That was me filling my gas tank yesterday morning. And if you're saying I should quit whining because your SUV or your pick-up truck cost a lot more to fill up - listen.

My car is a slightly expanded skateboard. It's a small two seater that might fit into your storage area. When my little car with it's equally little gas tank can cost $65.73 something is dramatically wrong.

I can understand the need for some off-shore drilling. I just don't want to pay for the whole damn drill.

And aren't prices on everything supposed to be somewhat related to demand? Has there been some sudden rush for petroleum that increased the price in some places nearly 50 cents a gallon in two weeks?

OK Mr. Stanley. I'm sold. Where can I find one of your steamers?

I'm Pat McMahon

Thursday, March 1

"Davy"

He was a jockey. Then he was the Artful Dodger in Oliver on Broadway. Then he became a pop-star on "The Monkees" television show. Then he toured the world - played and sang for millions.

Then ... he was dead.

Davy Jones died yesterday of a massive heart attack at his home in Indiantown, Florida. He was 66.

66? Not Davy Jones! He was the cute Monkee. Even guys thought he was cool. And nobody cared whether it was a group manufactured for television or whether they played their instruments or not on all their hits. It was fun music. It was harmless comedy and Davy Jones was the front-man.

I met him the first time when they came to town for a concert.

A few months later, one of his biggest fans here was walking along the roadside on her way to a party. She was bringing her Monkees records. She was struck by a car and was brain injured. Davy heard about it and flew to her bedside from Hollywood with an arm load of gifts. From then on he kept track of her progress.

That's just one of the reasons when I think of Davy Jones, I'm A Believer.

I'm Pat McMahon

February 29, 2012

"Leap of Faith"

On this rare Leap Day, February 29th, that's just when I'm going to do.

I'm going to leap into the world of competitive politics without reflecting for even a moment on yesterday's primaries. As far as I'm concerned, they all lost.

The minute they decided to go after the highest office in the land, they lost their privacy, their dignity and in some cases they lost their reputations. All because each of them decided they would sacrifice virtually everything in order to lead the country and take on the world's most stressful problems all for $400,000 a year, not to exceed eight years.

So, if we are to believe what we are told, we must choose among a fanatical Catholic who is opposed to the rights of gays and women, a robotic cult-member, an opportunistic cheat and an out-of-touch ditzy senior -- one of whom will be running against a Socialist president. There are conservative Super Pac commercials striking out at Dole and McCain.

See why it's getting so hard to make this "Leap of Faith" day?

I'm Pat McMahon.

February 28, 2012

"No Thanks"

Governor Brewer,

I know when you return from your duties in Washington -- that is, the duties you consider important enough to warrant your participation -- would you accept an invitation to come to our house for dinner?

It will be primarily social and since I've know you and your family for well over 20 years, I think we can make you comfortable. Our house is not white and you'll need no security clearance to get in.

In fact, I can promise you that I will only be asking one political question: Governor, what in the Hell was so important Sunday night that you turned down the president of the United States and the First Lady when the requested your company at the National Governors Association dinner at the White House?

Were the Oscars that important? Did you think that with that symbolic hand gesture you'd sell more books? Did you decide to join Nikki Haley as the only two governors not to attend because you so admire the glorious history of her state, South Carolina?

Regardless, my invitation stands. By the way, we're having crow.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, February 27

"Goodbye Georgie"

The feature report in yesterday's Arizona Republic was all about the terrible conditions some of Arizona's children live with: unemployed parents, one or both parents behind bars, the total absence of medical care.

It seems as if it can't get much worse than that. But for 2-year-old George Rogel, for a period of time it was much worse because, you see, little Georgie will never be three.

Friday night, his mother called police to report Georgie wasn't breathing. He never did again. He was pronounced dead at the scene. The cause: massive trauma to his head and body.

That's a medical term that nicely covers what his 18-year- old mother told police. She said that her boyfriend, Juan Garcia (also 18), became enraged when the little boy wouldn't finish his dinner and repeatedly smashed Georgie's head against the wall, while his mother watched.

She's in jail. He's on the run. I still don't believe in capital punishment, but when he's caught I find nothing wrong with occasionally leave his cell door unlocked so that the other prisoners can persuade him to finish his dinner.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, February 24

No matter what's going on with the economy - no matter how dreary the housing market is - the conventions just keep coming.

Have you noticed how seldom you hear about large national groups gathering in Fargo, North Dakota or Bemidji, Minnesota?

No, our city, our state and our climate attract them all. For example, right now thru Sunday people have come from all over to the Fort McDowell Resort and Casino for the 2012 international UFO congress.

There will be speakers, films and stories of abductions.

I'm told that in past years, attendees who claimed to be aliens would participate but so far none have registered here because it's universally known that Sheriff Joe Arpaio doesn't want to see aliens of any kind in his country.

I was somewhat surprised to hear that one of the folks at the convention identified himself as a Reagan conservative but he later said he was misquoted and that he said he was conservative in the use of his ray gun!

The only attraction that everyone at this UFO congress wants to visit is the states only center for space being - the Arizona state capitol. May they live long and prosper.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, February 23

"Toxic Cookies"

As of this moment, today, I am forever grateful for the existence of the state of the Indiana.

I'm only interested in the Colts if we get Peyton Manning.

The Indianapolis 500 is exciting for about an hour and I don't miss Bobby Knight.

One Indiana State Legislator has, this week, given me new appreciation and pride in Arizona's grand elected bodies laboring at the state capitol.

State Rep. Bob Morris is currently circulating a letter containing a dire warning alerting Hoosiers and all America about the evil & insidious organization called - The Girl Scouts!

He contends that these green-clad girl power fans promote homosexuality and are a tactical arm of planned parenthood whose liberal progressive politics will destroy traditional family values.

Morris went on to refer to the Girl Scouts as a radicalized organization.

Anybody think that maybe little Bobby Morris got a bad Samoas one day. Did the other boys make fun of his shortbread?

Bob -- please state in Ft. Wayne.

We really don't need you in Arizona.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, February 22

"Gay Apparel"

Hey, this is George Washington's birthday. Now, I know he's one of everybody's favorite presidents and he has to be given credit for taking the job at first, although it must have been easier back then without 24-hour news and TMZ.

But has anybody noticed how gay he looked?

I mean, the clothes are right out of Elton John's closet and the hair -- come on, was it always white or is it a tint? He looks more like Barbara Bush than the father of our country.

Sure, he was a military hero but "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" hadn't been thought of. The marriage to Martha -- keeping it all 1776 straight.

Now, doesn't that all sound absurd? But gays in public positions of trust are very much in the news and I'm asking should their sexual orientation be an issue?

As little as four percent of our population or as much as ten percent are gay, according to researchers. That means we may have had at least one gay president. James Buchanan was never married. Suspicious?

So can one gay sheriff still run for Congress? He's come out. He's admitted the pictures were stupid. No charges have been proven. Could there be something else you don't like?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, February 21

"POTUS"

All day yesterday, we were inundated with biographical information about the presidents of the United States.

When I was growing up, every kid who worked hard and was respectful to his family was told that if he developed those qualities, he could grow up to be the President of the United States.

Please notice I said "he" could become president. The concept of a woman even running for that office hadn't occurred to anyone. No! Presidents were white, Protestant men who were touched by the hand of God and given special qualities of leadership, morality and integrity.

Like George Washington -- but he owned slaves. Oh, and so did Thomas Jefferson -- who wasn't the father of our country but he was apparently a father of slave babies.

We are all familiar all familiar with Grant's tomb where he was buried instead of being cremated because he drank so much they wouldn't have been able to put out the fire.

Teddy Roosevelt has been called a racist and Warren Harding was corrupt. Besides Watergate, Nixon was an anti- Semitic potty mouth. Reagan had Iran-Contra and JFK and Clinton had everybody.

You know, maybe our current crop of presidential candidates may not be so bad after all.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, February 20

"Monday Melodies"

Let's see, today "M" stands for Monday and just for a change let's not focus on murder or Mayhem. Let's put aside a Sheriff's Mexican boyfriend and make it a big capital "M" for music.

Friday evening, we went to a special event at the musical instruments museum here in the valley. I'm embarrassed to admit that it was our first visit, not ecause of a lack of interest, rather a lack of time. And even though we were overdue, it was belatedly awesome. There's nothing like it anywhere in the world and we have it - it's another positive for Arizona and it's as close as Tatum and Moyo Boulevard.

I couldn't believe my eyes or ears. If all the wind instruments were blown at once Dorothy would wind up back in Oz. The quantaum physics people who think the universe is based on the string theory would be overjoyed at all that can be plucked, caressed, and bowed at M.I.M. beat box, the beat goes on, beat it - all precussively represented here.

The special new exhibit is all about the music of Arizona in honor of our centennial and features among many others Alice Cooper, the Gin Blossoms, Jordan Sparks, and yes, Hub Kapp and the Wheels. Alice was there Friday and told me Tony Bennett says M.I.M. is the greatest museum in the world. And who am I to argue with Mr. Bennett.

I'm Pat McMahon

Friday, February 17

"Del Sur"

Muchas Gracia - You probably know that means "thank you very much" in Spanish.

A nice thing to know.

Another very important phrase to remember is "donde esta el sal de bano" -- where is the bathroom.

Now, please commit the following to memory. Better yet, write it down for your next visit to Mexico "por favor no me mates!"

Please don't kill me!

You may not have to use it often but it certainly could come in handy.

Now, please spare me all the colorful travel stories about your delightful and idyllically safe experiences south of the border. I regularly hear from American property owners, mostly in Rocky Point accusing me and virtually all American media of exaggerating the violence.

Well, there's a pretty good reason why the U.S. State Dept. has issued yet another travel warning for Mexico, including Rocky Point and Acapulco. Here;s the reason 47,500 people have been killed in Mexico in the last six years.

By way of comparison, we've lost slightly more than 4,000 Americans in Iraq. I hate the Mexico it has become most of all because of what the violence, crime and government corruption have done to the Mexican people.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, February 16

My God, the state legislature has done it again.

After choosing to ignore the pleas of all Arizona university law enforcers and the presidents of the schools to refrain from lifting the ban on firearms on campuses, now they want to control, by law, speech in the classroom.

Have your heard?

Arizona State Sen. Lori Klein of Anthem has introduced a bill that would punish public school teachers if they use words in the classroom that the FCC wouldn't allow on broadcast radio or television. Apparently cable speech is out of the question.

Sen. Klein is a Republican. The legislature is overwhelmingly Republican. Aren't they the ones who want less government interference in our lives?

I don't think that vulgarity should be the foundation of any teachers vocabulary, but each district has clean guidelines already.

Why do we need potty-mouth legislation?

Klein recommends the teacher be suspended for one incident and fire after two.

Of course, if these lawmakers get everything they want, offended students could simply shoot the teacher.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, February 14

"Centennial"

It's a rare thing when looking for subject material for these commentaries that a topic can only be written about once in a lifetime.

Most event will occur, in some form, with some frequency. But not this one because it's about today -- Arizona's 100th birthday. And since no one can be absolutely certain of almost anything anymore, I thought I would take this moment now to recognize the occasion instead of waiting until Feb. 14, 2112.

100 years ago today President Taft sent word to Governor Hunt that this territory had become a state. And it was no shoo-in by any means.

The sophisticated population centers of the East and Midwest that had years of history behind them looked on us as crude, unrefined creatures of an unlivable desert land, devoid of water, cultures or laws.

With some of them, that attitude still exists, but it doesn't stop the world from moving here in numbers never seen anywhere else and, after a while, you'll hear most of them quoting Rex Allen and his song, "I Love You, Arizona."

Happy birthday, young lady.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, February 13

"Silence"

Well, last night, the people at the Grammys tried, just like they tried with Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse.

And with recording artists, there is always a legacy with which they're remembered -- the records themselves or the songs that can always be performed by other singers in tribute. But with Whitney Houston, we will all be left with unanswerable question -- why?

No matter what the toxicology reports or the autopsy concludes, "why" will always be there.

Why does a now forever 48-year-old artist with such infinitely stunning gifts consciously go on such a self- destructive journey? Why does someone who grows up in a music performance family with all those gospel roots take a journey of self indulgence? Why this kind of high-risk life with her film Sparkle about to be released?

And the the biggest "why" of all: Why did she do all those negative things to herself and not realized that she was also doing them to her little girl, Bobbi Kristen Brown?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, February 10

"Suns Set"

I've been a Phoenix Suns fan since the first official NBA game they played against the Seattle Supersonics in 1968. And now, in this artificially conceived test-tube season that will be remembered by sports fans far more as a product of a labor management dispute than basketball excellence, how what do I have to say about my beloved Suns?

I can hardly way for baseball season. For me, it's never been about millionaires trying to pry more money from billionaires. I say get whatever they'll pay you, whether it's Steve Nash, Julia Roberts or Justin Bieber.

But don't screw around with the game. In condensing the entire regular season into 66 games, fans not only get three-quarters of what they've been promised year after year, but a dwarfed preseason didn't allow anyone to get into playing shape and the players will be negatively affected by so many back-to-back games.

The Suns are looking much better and even if they make the playoffs and win the NBA Championship it will still be bogus.

Bring on the Diamondbacks.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, February 8

"Scum"

I was driving back to work from the Glenna and Lawrence Shapiro memorial service at the Orpheum when I heard the news on the radio -- Paradise Valley police confirming that three women and two men were arrested for their murder, robbery arson and a number of other charges related to the crime.

Only minutes before, I had been in a large theater packed with friends and family of these two outstanding citizens while they were being remembered by children, family members, the Phoenix Symphony and the Arizona Opera, all of whom were recipients of the Shapiro's love and generosity.

Now, meet the people who are suspects in their murders and related crimes: Michael Crane, Shawn Nicloy, Kelly Steward, Danielle Rossman, Brittany Beinhauer.

Please remember the names. It may be the only time you are introduced to creatures who felt that, in order to rob an 80-year-old couple, they must be shot and burned.

My sincere wish to the five of them: may you all die before a trial and then burn in Hell.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, February 7

"Digital"

Could we all agree that the semi-familiar British Rapper M.I.A. was stupid for flipping the bird at a halftime camera during Madonna's Super Bowl performance?

But hold it! Before you join the Parent's Television Council in the sacrosanct seizures over this version of digital entertainment, will you first consider that she is nothing more than a British rapper?

She is not in Parliament nor a member of the Royal Family, although I think there are times the Queen should have saluted Rupert Murdoch in that way.

M.I.A. isn't even pointing a finger at the President of the United States. Only governors do that. She only did what Johnny Cash, Katy Perry, Justin Bieber and half of the people on American Idol who aren't going to Hollywood have done.

And who cares? Are our children tarnished? Did you and your children even see it? If you did, were you so shocked that you refused to watch the second half? You could have told the children that the lady broke a nail or that she was reminding everyone to get a colon exam.

Personally, I think everyone making a big deal of it has an I.Q. symbolized by M.I.A.'s middle finger.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, February 6

"Next?"

All right, it's over. The big game is over.

I'm required to call it the "big game" because the people who own the name Super Bowl get upset when I say Super Bowl without sending them a check to Super Bowl. Greed.

But it is over and the players can rest their weary bones. Madonna can go back to the home for previously sexy rock stars and take a long soak in a tub of Metamucil. I'm only interested in what's next.

Valentine's Day? Yeah, but mist guys won't remember until late afternoon of the 14th. Besides, this year in Arizona, Valentine's Day has some real competition.

Every year it's Statehood Day, when we officially changed from territory to the 48th state. But a week from tomorrow is February 14, 2012 -- our Centennial State Day! And from that day to the end of the year there will be celebrations and special events all across the state.

The centennial committees have done a remarkable job considering their combined budgets of approximately $159. But there's something for everyone. So this year, celebrate by really becoming an Arizonan.

After all, the next centennials for Alaska and Hawaii are in 2059 and by that time I may have lost interest.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, February 3

"Trumped"

The other day Mitt Romney said he wasn't for poor people. Of course, if one paid close attention to the entire statement he was attempting to explain that his focus would be on middle class Americans because the very poor and the very rich had other resources available to them.

That's what he meant but he said it very badly.

After all, this is someone who is asking for the votes of Americans who are still going through the pain of a recession. He has to appeal to a whole lot of folks who can't related to a guy who's worth around $250M. So, as Mitt is trying to convince the common man that he's one of us and understands our needs -- he and his wife show up for an audience with Pope Donald to receive a blessing and an endorsement.

Apparently, the Vatican was booked so the event took place, where else, but the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas.

A billionaire endorsing a multi-millionaire to benefit us.

Apparently there were strings attached. Romney had to drive Trump to the airport.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, February 2

"A for Automatic"

Stand by for my standard gun disclaimer. The following is not to be interpreted as a representing any desire on my part of confiscate the weapon you right rightfully and legally own.

OK?

Everybody all right with that?

Swell!

Now, my opinion on Lake Havasu's Senator Ron Gould's proposed legislation to allow concealed weapons on college campuses.

It seems as if this has come up in some form, every legislative session since the invention of gun powder and I simply ask -- why?

And I'm in pretty good company. Law enforcement overwhelmingly is opposed and that includes campus police, otherwise known as "targets". President Michael Crow of Arizona State and the other university administrators have consistently spoken out against it. But, after all what you do they know?

Faculty and student organizations have said "No!" but the Arizona State Legislature and perhaps, this time, Gov. Brewer -- they say "Yes."

Perhaps, Sen. Gould instead could find a way to lower tuition. But if guns are allowed on campus -- I may skip the ASU-UA game.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, February 1

"Farewell Again"

It seems almost impossible that we must say goodbye so soon to another respected couple who meant so much to our community.

Only weeks after trying to rationally deal with the loss of Bill and Susan Heywood, I'm faced with the reality that the Shapiros are now no longer a part of our lives.

And if you didn't know them, you should have. If you did, it's very likely you either worked with Glenna in some capacity with the Arizona Kidney Foundation or if you are a kidney disease patient, then her tireless efforts over the years may have extended or saved your life.

Their children have acknowledged the loss in a mysterious fire in their Paradise Valley home Monday.

For years, I was honored and privileged to be the master of ceremonies at the Kidney Foundation luncheon, first for Erma Bombeck then later for Glenna.

Grief is difficult enough to deal with but especially when it comes in twos.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, January 31

"Non-Support"

If you're Newt Gingrich and you're running for President of the United States and the polls are about to open in a vitally important state like Florida, what could possibly be worse than having an ex-wife publicly say that you asked for an open marriage so you could continue your relationship with another woman?

I'll tell you the only thing more damaging is what happened yesterday: Gingrich received the endorsement of Herman Cain.

If you have the reputation of being a horn-dog, that's like getting your kennel key from Michael Vick.

Herman Cain dropped out of his own campaign because of accusations that he had a fragile zipper. Is his support going to be of major value to someone like Newt who already has more baggage than a Samsonite catalog?

I'm surprised that Gingrich didn't beg for a Cain mutiny, throwing his endorsement to anyone but Newt. Republicans could win in 2012 -- if Herman Cain decides to campaign for Obama.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, January 30

"Ugg Bug"

At last! Someone is standing up for discipline in schools.

After all too many years of the inmates running our institutions of learning, two historic moves have recently been made.

Arizona lawmakers are refining a bill allowing everyone on campuses to be armed. I believe nursery schools are exempted.

And now the courageous faculty of Pottstown, Penn., Middle School have issued an iron-clad ban on Uggs! You know, Uggs -- the fuzzy boots from Australia.

And for those of you, this moment, quizzically asking, "so what's wrong with Uggs?" Clearly, in your naive world, you don't see the danger -- cell phones hidden in open-top Uggs.

Pottstown Middle School has a strict cell phone policy. No hidden phones and now no Uggs. I swear to the shoe god Zappos, the principal announced it last week. Nothing was mentioned about banning pockets or hoodie sweatshirts or underwear where this techno-contraband could also be hidden and concealed weapons don't seem to be a concern.

Next, the TSA at middle school.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, January 26

"The Lost Clinton?"

I'm not often surprised by politicians. Almost all their moves are predictable. But yesterday when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was stepping down after 20 years of being on the "highwire of American politics" for me it came unexpectedly.

In fact, I wouldn't been in the least bit surprised, if Joe Biden announced that because of pressing family matters, he would not be the President's running mate this election and the overwhelmingly popular choice to fill that post would absolutely be Clinton.

She has received very high marks here and in foreign capitals for her work in the state department.

But now she says she's getting off the Washington high wire and having been a First Lady during President Bill's tenure, I can clearly understand her wallenda metaphor.

She says she'll stay on until the President nominates someone. I'm not ready for another surprise so I'm saying that will be the much traveled Bill Richardson of New Mexico.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, January 25

"Missing"

Did anyone hear a swell of voices around the country during Tuesday's State of the Union speech crying out, "where is Doug Lamborn?"

Me neither.

You may be saying right now, "who is Doug Lamborn" and the answer is he's one of the U.S. congressman who refused to show up for the address because he disagrees with the president's policies.

Everybody else was in attendance. The Republican leadership was there, the Supreme Court and the Joint Chiefs. But there was no sign of Rep. Lamborn of Colorado.

Now, he made it clear that this is nothing personal and that he respects the president. However, last August, he did refer to Obama as a "tar baby."

So that I can establish my criticism of the decision as non-partisan, I also didn't agree with the congressional black caucus when they boycotted the State of the Union speech of President Nixon or Bruins goalie Tim Thomas as a recent no-show in the White House.

Aretha said it best -- "Just a little respect!"

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, January 24

"Oscar"

Wow! The applause, the cheering, the drama.

The State of the Union? No! We already knew that plot line. I'm talking about what the world was anticipating -- the Academy Awards nominations.

And you know what? This may be one of the best movie years in a long time. Dramas and comedies. Veterans and new faces. Funny dogs and courageous horses. Margaret Thatcher's London and Woody Allen's Paris. These are the Oscar contending films of 2011.

One of the most discussed moves has been The Artist, a virtually silent film tribute to silent films, but don't let that keep you away. The magic is after about :30; you don't even notice the absence of spoken dialogue. In fact, it's kind of refreshing.

It was nice to see a Phoenix acting veteran, Nick Nolte, making a comeback and even nicer to see that the brilliant comedy timing of Bridesmaids' Melissa McCarthy is being recognized.

I may be going out on a limb with a prediction this early but here it is: the acceptance speeches will be too long.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, January 23

"Political Pipeline"

Unlike all the people who want Barack Obama's job, I don't blame him for everything that doesn't go as I wish.

He's probably the best basketball player we've ever had in the White House but I don't blame him when the Suns look lousy. I know he loves his Portuguese Water Dog so he couldn't possibly be responsible for my Golden Doodle tearing my favorite pillow to pieces.

It's clear the Republicans do include these as just a few of this administration's failings.

But here's what I'd like to see as a major change in the White House: will somebody please talk to us?

I'm in the information business and I still don't have any idea what this president's health care legislation covers.

And the trans-Canada oil pipeline -- he simply says "not now" to a $13 billion project that would carry petroleum 1,700 miles from Alberta, Canada to Texas and create thousands of jobs and bring us oil that we wouldn't have to get from the Middle East. The president and some environmental groups content there's insufficient time to evaluate the impact. Hey, I know. How about checking the impact of the 1.9 million miles of pipeline already crisscrossing the United States?

So the Prime Minister of Canada says, "OK, we'll sell our oil to China."

I'm confused.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, January 20

"The Champ"

The first time I ever met Muhammad Ali he wasn't Muhammad Ali. He was Olympic gold medalist Cassius Clay and he and his famed trainer Angelo Dundee, were scheduled to be on the Wallace & Ladmo kids show on Channel 5.

But they were delayed and they wound up knocking on the front door of the TV station around 9 p.m.

I was waiting, along with a few staff people, so that we could tape the interview for the next days show.

The only thing that Ali had not been told was that I was going to be in drag -- as Aunt Maud the ditsy little old lady character I did on the show.

When I sat down next to him in the studio in my ankle length granny dress, my apron and my grey wig in a bun, he never batted an eye.

It was as if he was discussing the science of prize fighting with Diane Sawyer. He did close the segment by saying, 'you know, you a funny old lady.'

He visited the show often as Muhammad Ali because he had fun with us. He's 70 this week and when I've seen him, I look for a glimmer of recognition.

There is none. But I know him. He's 'The Champ.'

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, January 19

"Idol"

So it's that legendary television time again. No, not the Super Bowl. That's a couple of weeks away yet.

And not anything that includes the name Kardashian.

Nope -- last night the 10th season of "American Idol" began, and for me, I admit it's one of my guilty pleasures.

I've watched it from the beginning and, yes, there have been some so-so years with winners that you knew would soon become difficult answers in Trivial Pursuit.

And the desperate or angry no-talents make me uncomfortable but there seems to be less emphasis on them these days.

As long as there have been aspiring performers there have been talent shows.

On radio Major Bowes and Ted Mack. On TV Arthur Godfrey hosted one -- but now it's a talent tidal wave with The Voice, The X-Factor and America's Got Talent, among the many.

To me the difference is in part the idol judges -- Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, Randy Jackson and maybe, above all -- the massively understated Ryan Seacrest.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, January 18

"Titanic"

Come on, admit it. Whether you've ever been on a cruise or not, when you saw the Costa Concordia capsized off the coast of Italy, you got a little shaky, didn't you?

I mean, a huge ship, carrying 4,000 passengers -- a floating town -- sails too close to an island, strikes some rocks and suddenly everybody is halfway to the Poseidon Adventure.

We've heard the captain, Francesco Schettino, sailed too close to an island for a number of reasons and we've heard that he was among the first to leave the ship. We know from a number of survivors that the crew was not well trained in emergency procedures and the passengers had not been instructed sufficiently.

We also know a number of them are dead.

Does this tragic incident cause you to change your mind about that romantic voyage you've been saving for? What about the contagions that have spread so rapidly on some cruisers or the missing passengers?

Listen, I've been on these ships -- some of them Italian - - and there are 26 new ones about to sail. But next time, I might research the safety record of the line that says it's going to take me to paradise.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, January 17

"Smut"

This week, the United States Supreme Court was overwhelmed with F-words. This week, the heard oral arguments in an important First Amendment case -- the FCC vs. Fox.

In brief, the broadcast rules covering indecency are so confusing that I may be fined for saying oral arguments.

Some years ago, George Carlin immortalized the brilliantly funny routine about the seven words you can't say on television. But that was before cable and satellite brought us all those words along with some never heard outside of Marine Corps basic training.

The words, the uncensored anatomy, the Kama Sutra sex manual are all available all the time with very little effort -- except during hours when children might be exposed to graphic content on over-the-air stations.

And yet, that offers another technology puzzle for the Supreme Court to solve. All those over-the-air channels are also carried on cable and satellite services.

Whatever the court decides, it will be up to us to police family viewing, because, after all, smut happens.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, January 16

"Then and Now"

When I was a little boy, my parents and I lived in New Orleans, Louisiana. It's always been one of the world's greatest cities.

I recall getting an early education in fabulous food, great music and the unique beauty of the Crescent City.

But I have another memory of a day when I noticed, apparently for the first time, a sign on a store's water fountain that read "For Colored Only." I remember thinking how peculiar that seemed, how curious.

At our home, we didn't divide food or beverages or anything by race and how confusing it would have been with the multi-ethnic, multi-religious make up of our friends.

When I asked my mom what the sign meant, I remember she told me that is was written and displayed by uneducated people. I said, "You mean people who didn't go to school." My mother smiled and said that some of them had gone to some very good schools but that they were still uneducated about people, but that would change someday.

And it did. Not completely. Not perfectly. But it's still changing.

Thank you Rev. King for sharing your water fountain with me.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, January 11

"Scoreless"

Ladies and gentlemen: the BCS National Championship football game is being seen around the world on ESPN and is being brought to you by Ambien.

When you wake up, you may want the same deep sleep you've experienced during this game. Try Ambien.

Did anyone watching the Barbiturate Bowl find even one moment of true suspense or excitement after the opening kickoff? After 92 yards of total offense and four quarters of futility, we can all agree why LSU should be considered number two.

We didn't even have the pleasure of watching two sports powers who hadn't met. This was a rerun and I didn't like the last one either -- the Festival of Field Goals that wound up 9-6.

After all the shootouts leading up to Monday night with combined scoring in the hundreds, this may be a long overdue nail in the BCS coffin.

Don't worry about the bowl executives. They'll find a way to make a playoff pay off, but the fans will get the real reward.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, January 10

"Name Game"

"Shirley Shirley Bo Burley - Banana Fana Fo Furley - Fe Fi Fo Furley - Shirley."

That's how Shirley Ellis opened her hit song "The Name Game" some years ago. And it was a cute tongue-twister to sing, but no one expected any parent to name a child Banana Fana Fo Firley. It was still about a girl named Shirley and it's not a game.

Saturday night, Beyonce and Jay-Z welcomed the brand new baby girl into the world by deciding that, since they had achieved extraordinary success with their unusual names, to give their child the same advantage in life.

They named her Blue Ivy, which I would expect to see at the Desert Botanical Garden.

Blue Ivy, however, is a combination of two pretty words. What the hell was Penn Gillette thinking when he picked Moxie Crimefighter for his daughter's name? Yeah, Moxie will have to become a fighter all right because of the crime her parents committed.

Believe it or not, the following names are on the birth certificates of some unfortunate celebrity kids: Bogart the Peyote, Banjo and Bronx Mowgli.

At least the Jackson family allowed Prince Michael II the become Blanket. How thoughtful.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, January 9

"Rings"

We went to a wedding yesterday. The couple was a little different than the one on most cakes.

These were friends of ours that had already experienced a lot in life. They had grown children and they we're getting married -- and I'm glad.

These days, it's really not supposed to make any difference whether people are married or not. They say, "After all, it's just a piece of paper, isn't it?"

Statistically, about half of the people living in a serious relationship are living together unmarried and, if that's what they want, that's the important thing.

And it's not that "living in sin" stuff. I know some married couples that are living in sin because of the way they treat each other.

Am I really old fashioned because I get a little twinge every time I read about a celebrity pair planning a wedding after having three children? Doesn't "this is my girlfriend" sound a little more adolescent than "this is my wife?"

Maybe it's just me, but "for richer, for poorer, 'til death do us part" sounds a little more grown up than "let's go steady."

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, January 6

"Farewell"

I find nothing romantic about suicide. It's a popular part of every author's back pack of plot twists.

In literature it can be an easy out -- a way to wrap up a complex conflict neatly -- after which the reader can close the book and go on to other things.

My problem is that in real life I can't close the book. In real life, two of my friends are dead in a double suicide.

I'm sure you must know by now that legendary Phoenix radio personality Bill Heywood and his wife Susan took their own lives Wednesday.

Was it financial difficulties that caused it? Failing health?

Does it really matter?

They're both gone -- and their children are orphans. Much of the joy of radio that was, is gone with them.

The star crossed lovers Romeo & Juliet were teens when they died.

Bill & Susan were in their 70s. Yet, Shakespeare could have easily been writing about about Bill's remarkable career with the quote -- "and when he shall die they will cut him up in little stars and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in live with night and pay no heed to the garish sun."

Bill & Susan -- be at peace.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, January 5

"The Candidates"

As the 2012 presidential campaign progresses, a strange thought occurred to me while looking at all the Republican candidates: what a cast they would make for a TV sitcom.

You know -- one of those shows that seems to never run out of characters dropping by for a visit. Mitt Romney could be the dad. He's always seen in perfectly pressed slacks, a button-down shirt and a cardigan sweater -- never anything else because he doesn't seem to have a job. The family always comes to him solve their problems and he tells them exactly what they want to hear.

Mom is Michelle Bachmann -- like Gracie Allen but less loveable.

Rick Perry is a next door neighbor who regularly comes by just to find out is anybody wants to go out and shoot stuff.

In this show, Jon Huntsman and Rick Santorum would be going door-to-door with religious pamphlets and purity rings.

Ron Paul would play the weird uncle that we never see -- we just hear him in his room, giggling upstairs.

Newt Gingrich is the angry neighbor telling everyone to get off his lawn and Herman Cain is the pool guy checking out everybody's wife.

Now that's a show!

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, January 4

"Hawkeye"

Did you really wake up this morning with the first thought on your mind being "quick, turn on the news to see who they decided would be the president of Iowa?"

I think that's what all the Caucusing was about last night.

I went to school in Iowa and I don't have a clue who they came up with a system that makes the X-Factor voting seem simple.

Apparently, last night there were some meetings across the state where speeches were made by supporters after which straw ballots were taken.

Then, as I understand it, the top six candidates must compete in a three-legged race after which the finalists must devour a mason jar of night crawlers.

Listen -- how can you improve on a political process that four years ago gave us Mike Huckabee as the winner?

Look -- you know and I know that all the attention Iowa is getting is because it's the first state that kicks off the 2012 election year.

The only thing most of us will remember is Joe Arpaio telling Iowa voters he was happy to be in the Buckeye state.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, January 3

"A New Year"

I don't do New Year's resolutions. If there are changing I need to make a better, healthier life -- I probably need to work on them all year long.

But, if I may be so bold, here are a few things I'd like to see everyone consider.

I can them "brain brakes."

It's simply a matter of putting the brakes on your brain before you completely lose control.

For example, if your brain is about to think that most Mexicans simply want to live off the government and don't want to speak English and can't be trusted -- put the brakes on your brain -- and consider all the Latino business people, community leaders and neighbors in your life.

Your generality begins to sound foolish, doesn't it?

Here's another one.

"All politicians are crooked and stupid."

Now, wait a minute!

While we regularly disagree with a lot that happens in Washington -- logic demands that most got there by being honest and smart.

Most Catholic priests sacrifice their lives for the needy. In 2012 let's try to make sure our "brain brakes" are functioning.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, December 21

"Dashing Dreams"

You know what?

I'm tired of role models turning out to be stale rolls and model T's.

Just once I'd like to see a much admired public figure be worthy of the admiration.

As long as I can remember, I held Joe Paterno up on a very special coaching pedestal -- a man of unquestioned principal. He certainly deserves to be in the College Football Hall of Fame but tragically, but from now on his name will bring to mind a shower scene he should have reported instead of games he won.

Also, from the world of college football and my beloved University of Notre Dame, now comes another disappointment.

Rudy Ruettiger, yes that Rudy from the movie, just settled a lawsuit with the Securities and Exchange Commission for nearly $383 thousand dollars.

He was accused of alleged misconduct involving investors in a stock fraud scheme. Forget Herman and Newt. Arnold was the Governor of California, husband of Maria Shriver and father of -- oh, well you get my point...

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, December 20

"Your Mo Joe"

Wherever Joe Arpaio is there will be an extreme diversity of opinions and about him personally and the job he's doing.

I've often said publicly that while I can disagree with many of his methods and priorities, I have often found him to be totally charming and thoughtful.

As long as there is a Joe Arpaio headline, there will be strong debate.

What has always concerned me is the kind of irrational responses Joe gets from some of his supporters. It's good for any public official to have fans but we must keep in mind that the origin of that word is -- fanatic.

An example is a recent comment following an email news story about Joe. It read "I don't care what he does or how he does it as long as it gets rid of that scum."

Is the scum referred to all people of Latino origins or just the ones who came here illegally.? And if they came because they knew they could have a better life in America -- does that make them scum?

Joe, be careful of people who don't care how you do your job.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, December 19

"Baghdad Farewell"

I'll be home for Christmas.

Nice song. One of my favorites for the holidays and this year it's a particularly meaningful phrase for the thousands of American troops leaving Iraq forever.

Many will be home for the holidays.

4,500 will not. That's 4,500 American casualties. More than 100,000 Iraqis have been killed since that night of "shock & awe".

That, of course is only part of the book keeping that must be done before we can close up shop.

The wounded, physically and mentally will continue to be countered for the rest of our lives. Monetarily, as best as we can determine, the Iraq war cost at least $1 trillion dollars.

Number of weapons of mass destruction discovered -- zero.

Number of murderous dictators toppled -- one.

Boy, when you start looking at those numbers it sure doesn't look like a very good business deal does it?

And if we really went into this conflict for the oil, that doesn't seem to be working out too well either.

Conservative and Liberals, can we agree on one thing?

The Iraq war was a very bad idea.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, December 16

"Funeral Marching"

My older son was part of a very special organization in college. He played alto sax in the Notre Dame Fighting Irish marching band and the family is very proud.

They treated the band members with respect on that campus -- not that of that "band geek" stuff. Of course, even at Notre Dame the band doesn't have the "super star" image of the 400 strong "Marching 100" at Florida A&M in Tallahassee.

They are the Cirque Du Soleil of marching bands. You've seen them at special events. They play, they dance, they strut -- they also assault one another and have been known to possibly kill, all a result of the insanity called hazing.

Even though it's prohibited, fraternities do it, exclusive college clubs do it, some military units do it but a college marching band?

And while the definition of hazing is an initiation often includes some forms of harassment, humiliation and abuse, at Florida A&M this year a drum majors death is suspected to be the result of hazing.

One students paddling caused kidney failure and girls' legs were broken.

Florida A&M -- home of music and mayhem.

I'm Pat McMahon

Thursday, December 15

"Baby Devil"

Todd Graham. Does that sound like a name that should be up there with Dan Devine, Frank Kush, Daryl Rogers and John Cooper? Whatever your answer is, the reality is that soon Todd Graham will be on that list as a head coach at Arizona State University.

He's been successful at Tulsa, Rice and for only one season at Pitt but he does have a reputation as a drifter -- like four schools in six years!

Who cares?

Now, he's going to be in the Pac-12 and, if he brings winning seasons back to the Sun Devils, they will say Mount Graham is named after him. If he is as average as some of his recent predecessors, he can always coach in Georgia and be an official Graham cracker.

Now, coach Graham, if you really want to make believers of us, how about seasons like 11-0, 11-1, 10-2, 11-1 and 12- 0? That was life in the '70s under Frank Kush. Sun Devil Stadium was sold out for every game.

So, Todd, bring your high-powered offense and tough defense to Tempe, Arizona and let's see what you've got in the big time.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, December 14

"A Tiny Present"

A whole bunch of people had a Dickens of a good time last night at the Orpheum Theater. Some were in the sold-out audience and some on stage -- all sharing Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol," performed as a radio play by KTAR for the 26th consecutive year.

The players ranger from many of us at the radio station and local television personalities to sports and political figures. Many of them have returned to the production year after year, as have many who attended the show as an annual family tradition or share the broadcast.

But why this loyalty to a story written in England in 1843? In all that time, it has never been out of print. Dozens of film, television and radio versions have been done and virtually everyone in the English-speaking world knows the story.

Perhaps it lasts because it magically convinces us that transformation is possible for everyone.

See if you agree at 7:00 p.m. Christmas Eve and 3:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. on Christmas Day on KTAR and on AZTV this Saturday at 6:00 p.m. and Christmas Eve at 10:00 p.m. You'll be blessed -- everyone!

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, December 13

"SOI WESTER"

As Andy Rooney might have said "You ever notice the weather makes people goofy?"

Andy lived in New York. Can you imagine what his reaction would be if he saw how goofy we get about the weather year round in Arizona?

I mean this week in the valley, our tv meteorologist virtually took over local newscasts with the stern warning that we would all be facing a climateological phenomenon called rain showers - some of them heavy rain showers and temperatures that could reach - freezing!

Of course, that would only be applicable to "the colder parts of the valley" which usually means an open field outside of Tonopah.

With a high, forecast to go no warmer than the upper 50's, some citizens prepared to use their Christmas trees for firewood as a life saving measure.

In the north, Flagstaff is preparing for as much as 14 inches of snow - which in Fargo is called August.

My only severe weather protection this week is to cover our brass monkey with a blanket.

I'm Pat McMahon

Wednesday, December 7

"P.O."

Have you heard? The United States Postal Service is cutting back its services so we're going to have to wait for our mail.

I think that must have already happened.

You and I both know that mail delivery in the United States brings new meaning to the phrase "dead letter office."

I like my postman. I like the people I know that are postal workers.

I can't stand the organization they work for.

Even though the U.S. Postal Service is not actually a government agency, in the last four years it has been subsidized to the tune of 25 billion dollars.

Much of the red ink that the Post Office of America have been bleeding is directly attributable to pensions and medical costs. They have added up to a crushing total.

So now, along with the closing of hundreds of offices across the country, we are told that overnight delivery is going away.

Now if you use email, that's instant. And for packages UPS and Fed Ex are very healthy.

And the future of snail mail -- it's enough to make me go postal.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, December 6

"Dead Horse Theory"

The Dakota Indians tell us "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

Another writer reminds me in government more advanced strategies are often employed such as:

1) Buying a stronger whip.

2) Changing riders.

3) Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4) Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5) Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6) Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7) Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8) Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9) Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10) Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11) Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12) Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses. And of course...

13) Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

My thanks to Dennis Miller.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, December 5

"Budget Ball"

So ASU is looking for a football coach again. This time of year, it's a little like finding a prom date.

"Sorry, someone has already asked me."

"No, thank you. I'm going steady."

"Are you kidding? You're too short!"

You may exchange short for poor or ugly in that metaphor, but ASU isn't short. It's big with one of the largest student bodies in America. It certainly isn't ugly -- it's right in the middle of a beautiful metropolitan community with a fabulous climate.

However, this is a poor kid trying to date up -- way up. I know the salaries being tossed around are star-quality attractive but, beyond that, a super coach needs a super budget.

Arizona State is that nice house that's still on the other side of the tracks. Here's what they're competing with: the athletic budget for 2012 at Ohio State is $126 million, at Texas it's $153 million, at Michigan it's $109 million. LSU, the top team in the nation, is getting by with $90.2 million. How much does ASU have to field all its teams? A little over $48 million.

In big time sports, that's when you go to the food bank. The solution: Sun Devil boosters get off their maroon butts and make some gold.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, December 2

"Dumm Duds"

Anybody remember when it was common to dress up to take a flight somewhere? I don't mean those really old days when everybody flying looked like either the cast of "Mad Men" or "Pan Am".

No -- but it wasn't that long ago when you just never saw shorts and flip flops on a plane. Now that is considered formal wear.

There have been so many complaints about low slung pants and low cut tops that some airlines have been asked to actually create and display a dress code.

Passengers would be expected "not to dress in a manner that would cause discomfort or offense to other passengers."

What actually does that cover -- or un-cover?

These days we shouldn't be surprised to see a pilot in a thong. But I've got a better idea than a dress code. That sounds too much like Catholic school.

Here's something that would really appeal to the airlines. Everybody has to wear a suit unless you pay a fee.

$350 for a Hawaiian shirt - $100 for shorts and sandals and for $1000 you get to be naked - except of course on Virgin America.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, December 1

"Just Is"

Several years ago, a number of theaters produced a cryptic play called "Waiting for Godot."

As of yesterday afternoon, Arizona starts waiting for Mark Goudeau to die. A jury sentenced the "Baseline Killer" to death, preempting his original sentence of 438 years in prison. He was found guilty of nine murders and 58 other charges, including the stark terror and savagery his victims experienced.

So after the sadistic torture he put them through before he killed them, the state of Arizona has decided he should be put to sleep painlessly, with a lethal, humane injection of carefully researched chemicals -- in, say, 14 years or so.

That's the average waiting time before an execution is carried out. The longest wait is 35 years. One death row prisoner died of natural causes -- at 94. Is it any wonder that capital punishment costs millions more than life without parole?

We all want to strike back at these vile perpetrators of violence, but in 14 years, will you even remember Mark Goudeau's name?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, November 30

"Inklers"

I picked up my newspaper this morning off the front step and I honestly had the feeling that I was holding what will will soon be an artifact to be featured in some museum exhibit titled "The Way Information Was Shared In Another Time."

I know the demise of the daily newspaper has been discussed for some time but most of that passive debate took place before the tsunami of digital everything.

Just a few of the metropolitan dailies that have closed their doors are The Rocky Mountain News, The Oakland Tribune, The Baltimore Examiner and The Cincinnati Post.

The Valley no longer has the Phoenix Gazette and The Tribune. Seattle and Detroit dailies have gone digital along with The Christian Science Monitor.

How long can print journalism last when the morning after the ASU-UofA football game, the state's biggest rivalry, played here in Tempe, the results were not in The Arizona Republic because the paper said the game ended too late to be included.

Meanwhile, the night before everyone instantly had the score and the story -- on their phones.

Maybe you think it's because I watched Gutenberg take the morning edition off the first printing press but I'll miss the ink on my fingers.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, November 29

"Buddies"

My mom always told me "We are judged by the company we keep." I have no doubt that your mom told you something similar. And it's true.

While we shouldn't let others determine who our friends should be, some care should taken when considering the reputations of those we're associating with.

That's just common sense.

I don't know of anyone who uses more down to Earth common sense than Italian mothers. So, Joe Arpaio, when your mom was handing out that advise, what were you doing?

As sheriff of Maricopa County you certainly understand the law and that no one can tell you who to keep company with. But your track record lately has been more fragile than the future of the Kardashian marriage counselor.

In the past year, you have been prominent in hundreds of photos with deposed County Attorney Andrew Thomas and recalled senate president Russell Pearce.

When Hollywood shares your spotlight, it's the cheesiest actor of the century, Stephen Seagal and now your presidential political endorsement turns out to be Rick Perry.

Joe, are you on Lindsay Lohan's Facebook?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, November 28

"Cult Status"

Are you aware that a candidate for the presidency of the United States is a member of a religious organization that can only be described as a cult? Are you willing to voluntarily vote for a leader who professes belief and loyalty to a world wide cult?

That political figure, of course is -- Newt Gingrich.

I'm sure you know that he is a convert to the cult known as Catholicism. Now, if this comes as a surprise to you -- let me give you Webster's definition of what constitutes a cult.

"A system of religious beliefs and rituals. A religion regarded as unorthodox. A system for the cure of disease based on dogma. A great devotion to a person, idea, object or work such as a book."

Does that not describe many elements of the Catholic Church -- and probably the majority of Christianity -- including Mormonism?

Considering this, isn't it time to put aside the religious criticism of all the candidates -- including whether the President included God in his Thanksgiving message?

Next we'll hear we have no Jewish candidate because of the fear that policies will be made by spinning a top -- decisions by dreidel.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, November 23

"Warning"

Kids these days. That's always been the traditional opening line for stand-up comics switching routines to family material. But, have you noticed how little there is to laugh at these days when it comes to kids in Arizona?

News stories the last 24 hours have included a 2-year-old toddler found hours after wandering away from her north Phoenix home and the elderly couple responsible for her. Then there's the Glendale woman who left her 2 and 3-year- olds alone in a Scottsdale motel where she admitted shooting heroine.

And all of this brings us to the horror story of the month -- the disappearance and suspected murder of 5-year-old Jhessye Shockley. Her mother is in jail on felony child abuse charges and is a suspect in the homicide investigation.

Now, all of us in this business are always reminded not to jump to conclusions and to only examine the facts. The facts are the woman has a history of this kind of criminal behavior and witnesses to this crime.

Which allows me to ask, "Why should spaying and neutering be limited to just animals?"

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, November 22

"Ambition"

It may be a little early, but let's take a look at a couple of candidates who would like to be electing in 2012.

Perhaps you've hear that in the Cleveland, Ohio congressional race, running against incumbent Dennis Kucinich will be Samuel Wurzelbacher. Now, don't you tell me you've never heard of him? His nickname is Joe - Joe the Plumber!

I know that because I was just asked to contribute to Joe's campaign, all the way out here in Arizona. I was talk that Joe is the perfect candidate for that working class district. Why? Because he has his own wrench. Because he was in the Air Force. Because a news camera recorded him disagreeing with Obama.

This brings up my other candidate for 2012 - Obama, the President of the United States. Sunday evening, it was "Hardball" host Chris Matthews disagreeing with the president and his lack of leadership. Matthews, who has generally been supportive of Obama, asked, "Is this as good as it gets? Just tell us." Matthews then compared the people around the president to little kids with propeller hats.

Joe the Plumber. Obama the President. You know what, folks? We may be in trouble.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, November 21

"Punked"

First, let's get the facts out of the way.

I didn't go to either Arizona State or Arizona. I have close friends form both schools -- friends who have kids at both schools. I want both of them to win when they are playing somebody else and, when they play each other, I must support ASU because I live here.

Saturday night should not even have been a contest. The Sun Devils were an 11-point favorite and the fact that is was, to me, a mark of compassion. The Wildcats couldn't "Bear Down" if they wanted to with a coach from the temp department and key players just in from the emergency ward.

It was a home game for ASU who had every motivation to win, but they didn't. The Devils got kicked right in the Territorial Cup.

One Arizona touchdown came on a pass from a backup quarterback and another on a run through most of the Devil defense. Why did it happen?

I think ASU was outcoached by substitute Tim Kish, whose name on his office door in Tucson is probably on Velcro. Pathetic!

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, November 18

"The Biz"

Yesterday, I had lunch with ABC Newswoman Christiana Amanpour.

The fact that I shared the experience with 1,100 or so other people made it no less intimate for me. She was made the 28th recipient of the Walter Cronkite Award for excellence in journalism given each year by the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication.

During her introduction, I was instantly reminded how different her job is from mine. They showed a career highlight video of her 27 years with CNN and the last 18 months at ABC.

There was Christiana Amanpour interviewing national and world leaders -- I've done that.

There were conversations she's had with celebrated figures in literature and the arts. I do that often.

Then we saw Christiana Amanpour, in the midst of rioting mobs around the the world, under sniper fire in some far off hell hole and doing a live report during a bombing in a war zone.

I've never been asked to do that. To report the truth often takes courage. To do it in those arenas must make Walter very proud.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, November 17

"Kirk Kudos"

With so many topics as possibilities I rarely spend this time on the same subject two days in a row.

But after I focused yesterday on the history of futility among virtually all the Valley's sports teams, today I must recognize a glowing exception to the infernal impotency that has gotten into our jocks over the years.

Diamondbacks manager Kirk Gibson has been named the 2011 National League Manager of the Year. The news was announced yesterday by the Baseball Writers Association of America and while they were some deserving candidates, it wasn't even close. It was a runaway with Gibson leading his closest challenger, the Brewers' Ron Roenicki, by 60 points.

World Series champ, now retired manager Tony LaRussa, came in a distant third. To say this honor is richly deserved is to minimize his personal impact on the club. In 2010 the D-backs lost 97 games. The next season, last year, under Gibson they won 94 games. He brought a sense nof old school baseball to a bunch of young guys. Yes, commander Kirk, you have taken us where few have gone before. Next season, perhaps the final frontier.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Wednesday, November 16

I love this town and this state.

I've always understood why so many people visit here from the Midwest and the East Coast and immediately decide they want to move here and make it their home. It's beautiful, relaxing and comfortable.

So why, with all these people and 65,000 students at ASU and every major pro sport, why do our teams -- more often than not -- suck?

Every 10 years or so, somebody has a winning season. Then no championship followed by years of choice: either mediocrity or futility.

ASU lost to an overwhelming underdog for two consecutive Saturdays and this weekend, the odds makers can only feel that when they play a hapless Arizona, the loser will be football.

One shining moment was just that -- one! The Cardinals won a game on the road against the wingless Eagles.

The Suns have no season at all and the Coyotes may not have a home.

We were rightfully proud of the surprising Diamondbacks going to the playoffs, but that didn't last.

What's going here? Coach Kush -- Frank -- do you know the answer?

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, November 14

I walked into Joe Paterno's office and introduced myself as the guy he would be working with on a series of instructional videos for high school football coaches.

I tried to hide my awe, but for crying out loud, this was Rockne, this Bear Bryant, this was a coach who, for decades, ran a college football program based on excellence on the field and in the classroom. A program whose foundation was integrity.

This was a man who, at that first meeting, politely asked me to remove my hat so that, if one of his players walked in, he wouldn't think there was a double standard for manners. That's how concerned he was about the smallest matters.

So how could Joe Paterno have compromised his sense of ethic on a subject as monstrous as the actions of his former coach - Sandusky.

Say it ain't so, Joe Pa!

I've waited until after Saturday's game with Nebraska because I didn't want this to be about sports. They lost. Who cares? Penn State will be the object of derision, investigations and jokes for years. Sports Illustrated called it the worst scandal in college sports history.

There are only tears in what was once a Happy Valley.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, November 10

One of the problems with anyone staying alive is having to say goodbye to so many who didn't.

You and I have to say goodbye now to a truly lovely person. Tuesday, Bil Kean died at his Paradise Valley home and the tent that housed his Family Circus has been folded up and put away.

Bil told me that, over the years, he was accused of creating sappy cartoon strips -- story lines that didn't keep up with the realities of present day life. Bil's response was "Good! That's exactly what I had in mind."

All he ever wanted to do is to know that his family on the comic page touched a familiar note with your family at home.

One of his family, his son Glen, continues the family tradition by creating Ariel, the Little Mermaid and both the Beauty and the Beast.

Bil's edgy humor was always there when he opened each personal appearance with the same line: "Some consider this an honor. For me its a damned inconvenience."

Bil Keane is survived by Billy, Jeffy, Dolly & PJ.

I'm Pat McMahon

Wednesday, November 2

As the American Dental Association denies the existence of a political TV spot supporting Herman Cain showing a man in a white lab coat touting the qualifications of Cain while inhaling nitrous oxide - it calls to mind the innocent question of political observers - who the hell is advising some of these people?

Their campaigns are supposed to be run by media savvy professionals who are paid, often very well, to present their client's best qualities and highest level of competence.

And yet we have the now infamous smoking man ad that will be satirized so much and so often voters won't remember why they liked the candidate to begin with.

Now, all anyone is talking about is the accusations of sexual misconduct on the part of Cain.

Why didn't his staff decide on one defense and let him present that to media?

Instead what may be a mole hill is becoming a badly handled mountain.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Tuesday, November 1

As I was reading about the loss of yet another officer in the line of duty, I was also faced with the unfortunate reality that there are some people whose world is so small that they can only reason on the level of protozoa - a single cell organism.

One of the responses to the story about the fatal shooting of Glendale Police Officer Brad Jones Saturday night must be immediately enshrined in the stupidity Hall of Fame.

The statement was regretfully that "Officers kill people more frequently than people kill officers."

Yes! Thank God. And that's because in most cases the people that the officers are shooting at are the bad guys! They're the ones who are using their guns to take our stuff or our lives.

The police use their weapons to protect us. Is this too complex a formula to follow?

The writer went on to say that when a cop kills someone, that person has a family too.

Yes, and we should mourn for all the victims of violence - however, today, my time is spent on Officer Brad Jones of Glendale.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Monday, October 31

On this Halloween morning, let me ask you to do children everywhere a favor. If anyone comes to your door trick or treating tonight dressed in a Boy Scout uniform ask them if they've recently been sexually molested.

The chances are probably not, unless they were a part of scouting in Orange County or in Canada.

Have you heard about the scouting sacrileges that took place in both these areas a few years ago?

The Boy Scouts of America and Scouts Canada should both receive a merit badge for sexually terrorizing their young members and another for repeatedly covering it up.

The L.A. Times and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation released their investigation findings over the weekend, that one scout leader molested 15 children in the two countries and then, to compound the monstrousness, scouting officials refused to report it saying, "You do not want to broadcast to the entire population that these things happen. You take care of it quietly and make sure it never happens again."

But it did happen again and again and again.

And now with the release of this information parents are torn as to whether their kids should get involved with scouting or become Catholic alter boys.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Friday, October 28

Well it happened again. It seems every Halloween weekend I have the same recurring dream with a different cast of characters.

My doorbell rings and all these familiar people are lined up trick or treating.

For example, there was Joe Arpaio with two costumes. Half was a scary tough guy and the other half was an amnesiac who couldn't remember anything in a courtroom.

Right behind him were two little boys. Wes Gullett was crying because he had a tattoo on his forehead and the other one was Greg Stanton who was trying to hide the ink.

Kirk Gibson had a great wizard costume on complete with a magic wand that he proudly demonstrated could turn toads into pretty fierce snakes.

Apparently, these trick-or-treaters were all from the sports world because the NBA was represented by very tall homeless men and the Cardinals were dressed as former football players.

Andrew Thomas was standing in the middle of the yard threatening everyone with fake guns.

And that's when I woke up.

I'm Pat McMahon.

Thursday, October 27

The words were heated and personal. The entire country was watching as the two went head to head.

Obama vs. Boehner.

Two NFL coaches.

No this was Max vs. Len on Dancing with the Stars and for a moment it looked like the aging British judge & the virile Ukrainian dancer might duke it out. That was one incident that began Monday night on the popular dance competition.

I like the show & it has seemed that the two male judges Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli have been particularly insensitive in their critiques of both Hope Solo, the U.S. soccer star, and Chaz Bono, the shows first transgender contestant.

He has said that being compared to a penguin, a dancing basketball is disrespectful and I agree. He's probably the most disproportionately heavy contestant they've ever had but it wouldn't be a bad idea for the judges to remember he is an invited guest as is Hope, who has been consistently graded low for her lack of femininity.

With manners like that all three judges could run for Congress.

Wednesday, October 26

Freedom in San Francisco has, over the years, been liberally applied to many facets of life. There, freedom of speech knows virtually no limitations. At one time free love was an accepted part of the "flower" generation as was the opportunity to free ones mind through hallucinogenic drugs.

A little known freedom, the right to be nude in public in the Bay Area, has just had limits placed on the practice by a city supervisor ironically named Scott Weiner. No -- I couldn't make that up.

If the proposed ruling passes -- nude dining in San Francisco will no longer be allowed. Listen, I don't event want belly dancers to entertain near my entree much less nudists to be at the next table. And if they are, please let there be enough placemats. I don't usually care where people want to be naked so long as it's not at a restaurant. I mean buns should only be in my bread basket.

If public nudity is ever allowed in Phoenix imagine how that will affect the Pointe resorts.

I'm Pat McMahon.