How to survive your preschooler’s loony years

I survived!

My youngest daughter turned 4 recently, and I am ecstatic that I survived the roller coaster that is a 3-year-old. Forget about the terrible twos; for my two daughters, it’s the 3-year-old year that is filled with the kind of fury and mayhem that can only come from a pint-sized person.

Let’s take a closer look at the traits that make 3-year-olds absolutely nuts.

Rage: A 3-year-old can go from 0 to rage in about 20 seconds flat. Everything can be absolutely skipping-through-meadows wonderful, and then, BAM! Meltdown. This week, my daughter whirled into such a rage because I popped a spit bubble she had formed on her tongue. Clearly I am out to make her life miserable.

Blame: Remember, nothing is ever a preschooler’s fault. EVER. You made them mad. You made them spill their milk. You popped the bubbles on their tongue out of jealousy. Never mind that you were across the room when these things happened.

Inflexible: Much of the rage and blame issues stem from the fact that 3-year-olds have a definite idea about … well … everything. Their world has strict rules, and any violation means this world falls apart. I’m talking end-of-times-there’s-no-reason-to-live fall apart. But don’t fear — on to No. 5 for the quick fix!

Attention defici … look, a bug! Preschoolers have exactly two seconds of attention span. Use it wisely. Beyond that, be prepared to make a lot of stops along the sidewalks to look at dead bugs or a shiny object that catches your preschooler’s eye. Warning: Do not try to get your child to move faster. Children can sense urgency and will only resist harder. The more you push, the more infinitely fascinating pieces of dirt they will find and have to touch on the way to the car.

Questionable style standards: Three-year-olds have eccentric ways of clothing themselves, ranging from putting on everything they find in the laundry hamper to running around buck naked before bath time. My daughters also enjoy adorning their heads with every bow in the house. Try to stay calm and remember: no child (or mother) was ever permanently damaged from over-accessorizing.

Incessant talking: There’s no easy way to say this. Preschoolers do not shut up. EVER. They will talk about anything or nothing, and when they run out of things to say, they will resort to making inexplicable noises to fill the silence. You know that thought you were having two months ago and have never had a chance to finish? Forget it. You will not have quiet for several more years. My best advice here is to smile and nod. If you do engage, do so cautiously. If you say something confusing, you will face 10 minutes of “Why?” If you ask your child to repeat one of the millions of nonsensical things they are saying, you may suffer the rage (see No. 1).

Multiple personalities: My daughter is seldom my daughter. On most days, she is Elsa. Other times she is Sophia the First, a baby, a 17-year-old or a high schooler. She informs me each morning who she will be that day, and what my role is as supporting cast member. All casting decisions are final and binding.

Anti-social outbursts: When your child says highly inappropriate things very loudly in public, the best thing is just to smile awkwardly at the people around you. This was my tactic when my daughter asked if the hefty gentleman in front of us at the grocery store was “wearing his big-girl panties” or announced to the post office that the man behind the counter had an earring and therefore did not believe in Jesus. Just smile and keep moving, because everyone understands what you are dealing with.

Irrational behavior: Preschoolers have just enough know-how to get into trouble. They think they can do everything and anything they want, which often leads to what looks like insanity to a regular person. Recently, my 3-year-old exhibited such irrational behavior when she decided to give herself a haircut — the most horrific mullet of all time.

Hoarding: I would love to see a reality TV show on preschooler hoarders. I don't know why, but 3-year-olds love to jam as many little pieces of junk into small places as they possibly can. Broken crayons, Happy Meal toys, random doll shoes and Lego pieces. Now if you really want to see rage, try throwing away one of these priceless treasures.

Even with all the crazy, I do adore my little sidekick. And sometimes, she surprises me. Like when I kissed her on the cheek and she immediately started rubbing off the kiss. I thought I had induced a disgruntled mood swing and asked why she didn’t like my kisses. She answered, “I love them. I’m just rubbing it in so it will stay forever. I have lots of daddy’s kisses in there, too.”

So yes, these years are filled with mood swings, nonsense and just plain crazy, but that’s OK. There’s no way I’d rather spend my days.

Erin Stewart is a regular blogger. From stretch marks to the latest news for moms, she discusses it all while her 7-year-old and 3-year-old daughters dive bomb off the couch behind her.